Every Dream Leads Out Eventually

Ever since I started doing these TRE exercises I think I’m actually feeling better in my feeling, some overall feeling feels a lot more relaxed. Shit, if it can do this, why isn’t everyone trying it? Maybe we all just relax then and see we’re all really the same thing and our differences were just delusions hiding in the tension. No, that probably wouldn’t be as much fun. I mean it would for me, I would love it but I don’t think anyone else would get it. They’d probably be bored and I’m not sure I can be bored, it just doesn’t happen even when I’m doing nothing which to be fair is a good amount of the time outside of moving my fingers on here and just normal work and day to day living. I don’t think I know anyone who’s even heard of this nervous system technique but I went back and looked to see how many views the video instructions had and it was almost a million so what do I know, maybe I’m the one who was missing out all this time. I thought partly it might also help with my back pain, and I think it has. Is that even possible? Honestly, I’m starting to think lately that what humans call “possible” and our actual “possibilities” might be miles apart while we sit in some personal self stupor fascinated by our own morbid personal stories. You’d think we’d want to know certain things but I don’t see that we really end up that way. We go south very quickly after we’re born from what I can tell.

It’s weird but I watched this video about Trump. Basically it popped up on my YouTube feed while I was on break at work. I like to try to listen to something either entertaining or interesting on my drive home to keep me alert so I’ll listen to something for a few minutes and save it for the drive if I think it’s met this criteria. It was weird but definitely entertaining so I bit. It was a podcast and the guest was some highly renowned female psychiatrist who wrote a book that talked about his personality, just basically diagnosing him as a dangerous narcissist whose tendencies would ignite a similar craziness in his followers. I’ve heard of this phenomena but I don’t know it too well. Apparently what happens is the followers feed off of his behavior and reflections and fuel their own identities this way as a form of strengthening what I’m guessing is some unconsciously perceived lack thereof. I guess if they think he’s powerful, and they hang out as a supporter among other supporters it creates a type of group frenzy where they all can act out and be crazy together all the while thinking they are actually sane. So basically just what all humans do. She said all dictators throughout history, Stalin, Hitler, Lenin, Mao, well you get the list, exhibited his same tendencies, just apparently there’s some pattern or phenomena happening there that this prominent doctor and a group of other mental health professional recognize from working with people in jail for murder, like the real sick ones. That was very creepy. I try not to focus my attention on political figures but maybe that’s how I did, as long as you try not to focus anywhere, that’s exactly where it goes. Most of the time I recognize my interest as mere curiosity because a person wants to know what kind of shit to avoid and how to avoid it. I don’t actually know if I’ll be in any position or need to avoid something, but just in case never hurt anyone. Or did it? Now there’s a question.

The irony is that she probably made him more famous by writing a best selling book about him even if within it her assessments were derogatory. Gathering up resistance against someone or something is just as effective as supporting it though no one seems to know it, not even someone who is supposed to be an expert in human dynamics. Does that mean she’s feeding the group frenzy unknowingly or does she actually have some knowledge to pass on, a warning for humanity? My question would be, what inside of you makes you look at someone else’s flaws or any other person for that matter so closely so intensely? What inner fear is driving this? Of course, her profession is basically designed for this, they try to look inside the characters they are encountering to find out what makes them tick and whether or not they are still a ticking time bomb. Her message was dire but what wasn’t so clear to her was her own sense of importance as some messenger of doom, because she was claiming some character the likes of Trump might in a fit of rage just push the proverbial button and then quoted some guy who once said “Those left living will envy those that aren’t.” I wondered then if she was in that moment, on some level, enjoying her own spotlight, even if her message wasn’t uplifting, it was still a message. It shouts, “Hey folks, I’ve got a lot of degrees under my belt. I’m at the top of my field and I’ve got the support of all my colleagues and what we are saying needs to be heeded as an important piece of national information and security.” The ego hides in everything, even those who study it. I’m not saying the guy is sane either, my message is a little different, what I’m saying is no one is.

When I listen to something like that, my first reaction is, “Okay, but what does that have to do with my life?” I’m just living out the years I have left. If there’s something else to do here, I just don’t see it. All you guys out there in the spotlight could maybe be doing the same, don’t worry about the world ending maybe just worry about how you are going to end one day. Hell, if I was in her position I wouldn’t be wasting my breath on some podcast, I’d have sold everything I own by now and I’d be living near a beach maybe reading a nice book. If I’ve learned anything at all from this journey, it’s that the world can take care of itself, it doesn’t actually need us to do or stop anything that’s happening. What would be really fascinating to me is maybe he does push that button and nothing actually happens. In his nightmare, the world blows to bits, cities are flattened, and to those who were walking around unaware, probably their days just go on as usual. The city you walk through might not be out there, it might not be a shared sort of thing, it might just be what you think it is. Maybe, there you were your whole life thinking you were walking around inside of this shared reality, that was only ever your own hallucination. I think our minds dream it all up, the inside is the outside you look at but you’re not sharing any type of reality. It could just as easily be that each has their own inner world so it’s not the same for anyone. Maybe, it’s really only our belief in a shared reality that makes it seem like we have one. If this is true, there’d only be one concern, and that’s what’s going on behind your curtain, not anyone else’s.

I’ve always had a certain distrust of mental health professionals, mainly because of the corporal punishment of children issue I once encountered and tried to illuminate. If they wanted to do some good, why don’t they band together and declare how harmful that is? To me that’s like common sense, if you inflict pain in an effort to control, you’re going to create a child that grows up to be a person who lives in fear. Psychologically speaking, can it get any simpler than love children unconditionally, no matter what, don’t intentionally hurt or shame them? But they don’t speak out against this. You’d think it would be a no brainer, and yet for all the millions of people educated in the mental helping professions, it still hasn’t been declared public enemy number one but how all societies develop can really be tied to how they treat their children. It seems a simple thing, such an easy fix that might literally transform the entire structure of the world we live in and yet, as a species we’re not there. The guy trying to meditate is still yelling at his kid to leave him alone for a few minutes. He doesn’t understand that meditation is not about finding something else but embracing what is finding you, right here, right now. Of course, you always have to look and ask the question who benefits? If people aren’t afraid, let’s say they have no fear at all, they are all raised up in perfect love, what would they do, how would they live? They wouldn’t need all the services a society offers right? Their kids wouldn’t need the school system, their bodies wouldn’t need the medical system, no one would be crazy so no psychologists would be needed. No protections would be needed so no governments, they would already know what to do so leaders or being led would disappear. Suffice it to say that without the installation of fear in humans, the entire world order, all systems would collapse. Would it be total chaos then just everyone for themselves? Shit, I don’t even know. It’s enough for me just to figure out my own life. I woke up this afternoon and there’s a day before me is about as far as i can go anymore.

On the home front, my oldest son got a job in his college studied profession. I guess his title is systems and network administrator. The pay isn’t super great but it sounds pretty important. In his mind, he’s just using this as a springboard to something else since for some strange reason it’s easier to get a job if you already have one. Is that because it shows you’re reliable or you’re willing to work, or do companies just like to swipe people away from other companies? Maybe it’s a little of both, if you don’t have a job it signals nothing wants you and if you do something does. I’m actually praying I hit the lottery tonight so I can spare him from the whole rat race he’s about to enter into. The first thing he did straight away was look into buying his own car. Wow, cars are a lot these days. My first car cost me $4000 and it was brand new. I guess that was ages ago, an age that has completely disappeared from view and experience, now you have to leverage your entire life’s savings just to get a bumper. He’s still looking. Meanwhile, the family car will have to do. I just adjusted my work schedule to accommodate his since he will always finish by 5 pm and if I work at 7 pm, he can still get home in time for me to take it to my job. I also thought you know see how you like the job first because once you get connected with the car payment, it’ll be that much harder to just walk away if that’s what you want to do, maybe you fucking hate it, you never know. You think you know something just by going to the interview, but the real shit if there is any comes out later when you’re actually Inside of the whole experience. Maybe the first few weeks are okay, you’re learning new stuff, meeting new personalities, and then, stagnation sets in, you get the thought, “This is my life” or something and it scares the shit out of you. The whole human work structure is kind of a physiological system, where this feeds into that, that feeds something else, and flow is basically obstructed unless you’re on the top tier just collecting. All the ones below that are more like financial inmates. They can’t leave because it costs money to live, and staying means a lowering of one’s actual energy to a slow crawl where your actual presence doesn’t disrupt anything. Life force decelerates, it almost has to in order to tolerate the low florescent lighting, sterile metal desk atmosphere, endless computer screens, and bad coffee/food otherwise aversion soars like someone is chasing you around with bat. I guess I have failed my son. If I have I’m sorry, I wasn’t exactly put in a position to do any better, I never figured it out myself, but you know maybe he will. It might just take some time and to have experienced all this shit first for himself so he can really develop the drive to rise above it. Or some miracle intervenes, I’m open to that too.

I think the hardest pattern to pop out of is just this one, “the world works like this” or the social structure works like this, either be a part of that or go with nothing. I went with nothing. To be successful in the social sense you have to build a type of social web that you kind of weave in and out of all day long. Basically you make friends by saying all the right things and projecting a self that brings value to all the other ones you are connecting with. There’s nothing wrong with it, because there’s nothing wrong. That’s the other hard concept to wrap your head around. It’s like so what if the country is being led by a mad man, maybe you have to be mad to take a position like that. I mean I would think so, because who would welcome all the scrutiny it entails? And who would want to be in charge of an entire country with endless social headaches and conflicts? Only a crazy person, right? If there’s any distinction there maybe it’s only in degrees of madness which everyone is basically already beholden to in some form or other. The world is a type of madness, do we not already know it? What do you think the whole “all is suffering” actually means? It means a movement of mind in which belief dictates reality.

I was standing in my usual position on the craps game last week just watching. There was this one guy who’s a regular now, just he started coming and then was there almost every night. I’m not sure what he does but it’s something up there in importance at least in his own mind but he’s a friendly sort so I don’t mind him. So he was there and then this very attractive couple walked up next to him and a lengthy friendly exchange ensued between them. I heard her say they both had their master’s degrees and they were really looking the whole part of that. The way the female in that duo talked and held herself was actually fascinating to me. They were both maybe in their early thirties. She was attired in a provocative dress with a low neck line sort of revealing her cleavage but in a tasteful way, nothing to gaudy there, but also not for nothing. She was flaunting her figure which I have to admit was kind of perfect. She had a gym membership and used it that was obvious. He was dressed more casually sort of a chic business outfit but not stuffy either, more GQ I’d say. Yeah, and I just watched them. I was noticing how the two talked and how she smiled and laughed, just really taking in the whole performance that she had somehow mastered. You see if everything is really a dream, it’s only that you’re dreaming yourself up that way, we call it all accomplishment, like you’ve earned your titles, you can now carry yourself in ways that supersede how anyone else without titles can. That’s really how success works, it’s a type of show you are either able to perform and imagine or it’s not. Anyone might do it, but the world now insists you have the paperwork to prove you are good enough to act the part. Most of humanity then has to step down and take all the other roles, where they are at least subliminally looking up to a class of people who got the dream right which they didn’t. All professions rely on some status discrepancy between the provider of the service and the customer who utilizes it. Before any of it can happen, a belief that someone knows more or can know more than you do must already be active. Of course, there is some truth that someone who maybe spent a lot of time studying some facet of interest does know more about the topic, but if all topics begin with imagination, who really knows what and what is it good for? It’s only valuable if the times reflect that the information they know will benefit someone else but what if that is just imagination? What if the idea that something will benefit you is already just imagination? Is that possible? Or are some things actually beneficial verses detrimental? I would say yes at least to some degree but is that just more belief? Can you even live without any belief? How would that work?

Jed has a contemplation that explains how it works. Basically in the contemplation he is walking through a busy district in Cambodia and he’s seeing some beggars on his walk through there. He explains that there are two ways to be, in TR and out of it. If in TR (Truth Realization for anyone who doesn’t know the acronym) you are simply watching what your body does, in his example he doesn’t know beforehand whether his hand will reach in his pocket to give the beggar some money or not, as opposed to out of it, where and when his mind might start thinking something like this lady doesn’t look like she needs money, she’s got some shoes on and she’s already holding some bills in her hand, or this girl has three children, she was dumb to give birth to three kids she can’t feed, or some other such judgement and then the mind determines okay I’ll give some money to this beggar but not that one. TR would be natural and the other way would be the determined by the story. In this example, both might be occurring simultaneously, you can be aware of the thoughts running in the background of your mind basically knowing it’s just some noise at the same time you are just witnessing what your body is doing. Most everyone you know is only thinking, there is no witnessing going on at all. Everything they do is therefore streamed through the thinking part before anything actually occurs. A person might spend their whole life like this, just imagining their thoughts are real, these thought streams create their Truth for them, and they never once suspect there is anything else going on.

So yeah, I’m just here doing life now, however it pops up for me. I do lean on the side that everything can be viewed differently, you’ve got a choice in how you want to receive what’s happening so in this regard, there is a type of free will. You can lament your situation whatever it is or rejoice in what life provides. I think it takes longer than expected to get out of the “I am now troubled” phase but maybe that was just me, I had a lot of trouble to rid my system of. Oh, well, it works out in the end. I think every dream leads out eventually. It’s easy to forget about how it does, the long troubling years of confusion seemed endless even after the fact but not so much now. You eventually get a grasp of how you can finally trust life again. That’s a good place to be. It could be where things really start to shift in another direction, if there is another direction, you can only know that if one shows up but you no longer need it to. If it wants to fine and if it doesn’t you are good that way too. Okay, this one feels done. Maybe that’s what I finally am, done. Could be but let me find a song now since that’s what’s coming up. This one seems to fit. I think it does actually.