Ground Zero

Here I am, up again after only two hours sleep, maybe three, but I was praying for my friend and I don’t know when I actually dozed off. I seem to remember coming back to and going back into prayer for at least a few minutes here and there but can we really measure time, do we even know if there is any, can I talk about that with some kind of certainty, am I really up again, or is it just my mind back into dreaming mode? Who knows right? I think we have to leave this mystery alone because why even try to understand it? We understand too much already and all of our human problems stem from that, nothing else. Can I even say I was praying then? What is this activity and why is it so popular? Did we actually learn that or was it inherently a part of our make up which is how it took off so widely? We think, we want, no, we are driven to think well of others even for others, do we learn this or are we this movement? Isn’t it really a type of love, this praying, this well wishing for someone’s health or benefit? What’s in it for us? Is this the most simple thing we do that basically reaches out into the empty spaces of the cosmos connecting our dots to each other and to some knowing that good over there means good here? Is humanity losing this ability? Is that how we are able to make wars again? Or is war just a battlefield of shared demons? We seek to rid ourselves of some alien force we intuit doesn’t belong to us and so we dream of wars where we can annihilate it in each other, for truly in war, no side wins. There are too many losers, too many lost lives to actually claim a victory from either side, and once again, how strange it all is. But let’s go back to bed, surely it’s too early for this.

So my friend isn’t dying, not yet, instead another round of chemo has been ordered. I’m guessing there are different concoctions because she’s getting the mixture that cleared it from her system the last time. The question of how the malady comes back is of interest to me. Is it of mere memory that things remain or return? Is it fear of reoccurrence that causes it to reappear? A type of resistance to the memory itself and all that entails? The very tendrils of the moving memory reach out to grab the symptoms yet again? I would prescribe a lengthy practice of recapitulation, the breath in conjunction with the turning of the head face to face with the living memory itself seems to do something to vanish it but I don’t think she’d be game. My world is further out, and even if the situation is dire, very few can meet me here, and I never try to draw them in no matter how much I think it will benefit them. Rule number one is to never impose on another’s journey, if they ask me for something okay, but I don’t go looking for anyone to take my advice.

What then is experience really then a living memory of your world, and yourself, as you remember them to be? The power of stopping the internal dialog and instead entering a silence, is this merely a way of forgetting former roles and conditions so that something new might arise? So that creation might enter its mighty doings free from former limitations? What if anything do the emanations of experience have to do with awareness itself? Furthermore, are emanations existing only in mind if everyone upholds them through belief or perhaps a tipping point of awareness, let’s say 51% believe, then is it unchanging in our day to day lived reality? I mean the questions can start to feel endless. Everyone wants to just zoom in on awareness itself, no capacities, just emptiness, devoid of direction or doing but apparently that’s not what goes on around here. No, I’d rather like to live my life to the fullest, exploring every single possibility that presents itself or arises within my conscious awareness as an avenue to explore.

I actually had the thought that cancer might not be an illness but an energetic predator, an invasion of some other conscious life force, perhaps with or without any level of awareness. I’d say it’s maybe without, it’s just attracted to hosts that are weak enough to enter into sort of like chiggers or ticks but somehow higher up on the chain of sucking something away for its own benefit and as it does, the individual suffers the consequences of being invaded by an unwanted guest. That would explain how chemo works, it’s killing it, and the person is either strong enough to recover from the poison or not. Of course, they say these cancer cells are very resilient and can multiply themselves rapidly, so if you leave even one alive in the body, they are able to reorganize for another attack, another take over. I honestly don’t like to even think about this kind of stuff, it just makes me uncomfortable to focus any amount of my attention on it but that may be part of the puzzle. All living entities require attention, or awareness, something has to respond to it or it’s not there, and that may be just a person’s body cells, the energy inside them it seems to me is somehow harvested by the invader. The invader has its own agenda obviously, which is not in line with ours.

It could be that silence, which is highly energetic, more so than a noise filled mind, might help. Perception depends on knowing, that is what is known is what is perceived. If we use the model of perception, perceiving, and perceived is one, then what is known is somehow perceived. So what creates knowing? Our experiences and our memories right? We live a certain kind of life, we do things or things happen to us and this encompasses what we know. So the question becomes how can we know something else, while simultaneously unknowing what we don’t want to know anymore? Basically you have to keep the framework, you have a body, you move it, live with it, you have a mind but that’s where it all goes south for most people, the mind is usually just a storehouse of fear based ideas, reactions, and the visions that accompany them. I guess it all always boils down to one thing again and again, you have to wake up, you have to pop out of the prison of the mind with its thoughts, and patterns.

I haven’t heard from my friend today. I know she’s overwhelmed. She’s not going through an ordinary time or day. This is a life or death battle that only she can wage. The irony if there is one, comes from one of Jed’s books where he talks about Brett and her cancer. How did she beat it? And he says the solution was to stop fighting it. She gave up and stopped fighting, and this mechanism was what made it disappear. My friend told me in a text “I’m at peace.” I thought she was telling me that she was ready to die and it alarmed me. Perhaps she was all out of hope or the fire for life that we need as fuel. If Brett stopped fighting the cancer does it mean she stopped everything all together? If so, why was she walking around the lake over and over again, battling words with her father and her past? Perhaps we have a confused idea of surrender, you think? Perhaps surrender isn’t hopelessness, surrender is just allowing. She wasn’t making up those imaginary conversations with her past, they were just there and now they were arising of their own accord because there was nothing left to hold them down and inside of her. Why did she recover then? What does a recovery of one’s life really look like? Perhaps it’s not a manufacturing of anything, but a releasing of all that hindered you.

Perhaps in order for anything to adhere itself to you physically or just within your consciousness, it has to meet resistance. Resistance is the force that pulls it in and holds it in place. It seems imaginary only because we can’t see it working like we can see a vacuum cleaner sucking in the dirt. If the vacuum cleaner didn’t suck everything into some container, that sucking motion would just make shit fly out the other end into the air spreading it all around basically dispersing it. What is our container then but just the identity? Who we are, who I am. The identity doesn’t just contain the resistance motion, it is the resistance itself. It is already the predatory invader that descends into us in childhood. That’s really what Carlos Castaneda was trying to tell us. He was saying there were forces all around us that do and can attach themselves to our energetic configuration. It’s not that we can’t be what we are, people even, it’s that we are covered up and held down by this predator which disguises itself as a veil of resistance. Now that seems far out but stick with me here.

Let’s look at spirituality, with all its kindnesses, its services, its selflessnesses, its powerlessnesses and it’s lowlinesses. What if all theses movements aren’t love at all but a type of resistance? Because in order to pretend to exhibit all these beautiful characteristics what do you have to do? You have to hold everything else that’s inside you down, keep your anger, your rage, your obstinacy, and your rebellion out of sight. To do this you have to put the brakes on your own very personal power. For God’s sake, keep yourself in check. You can’t go around saying whatever you want or doing whatever that is. Never forget there are rules here and for good reason. If we just let it all go and do and be however it wanted it’d be total fucking chaos down here and nothing would ever get done. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not advocating for total mayhem, in effect, what we don’t see is we’ve actually already got that. That’s basically the whole story of humanity already. What we build is in response to what we intuit is chaos and disorganization. We build out of resistance not expansion but does it work? I mean just look, aren’t all of our systems collapsing as I write this? Why do we need a super computer such as AI to tell us about anything?

True surrender then is seeing that your system was always working perfectly, exactly as it was designed to work. It’s a free flowing form of awareness that doesn’t need to control itself or put blinders on to avoid anything. To the contrary, the more we try to help it develop the more we stifle what it is already capable of doing. If we try to cultivate a loving attitude, we’re really denying that we already come with one. We’ll then build up a type of resistance to all things we deem unworthy or unclean or unwhatever, which won’t put us in contact with more loving things, but with the opposite. Resistance isn’t just the glue that binds our troubles to us, it’s the agent that draws even more of it in. What’s happening now is the controls are breaking down. People are acting strangely, they’re not sticking to the normal scripts we all know.

Let me just show you one example from my own life, something in me detests complaining. For some reason I didn’t deem this a worthy form of expression, so whenever I came in contact with it, my insides would contract, and I’d judge the person doing it as “wrong” for doing it. (There’s a charged word if there ever was one. The idea of “wrong” is the human nemesis.) Of course, it deems explaining that I’d already seen this verbal activity of complaining as being a sort of futile type of expression that doesn’t ever add anything to your life, but nonetheless, I was resisting it. I’d resist it at my job, in the form of silently thinking to myself, “For God’s sake, maybe just shut the fuck up, how’s that for an idea?” Then I’d go to the next table and instead of encountering someone more easy going and accepting, I’d get an even worse complainer. Basically it got so bad, that a player actually hit me and had to be banned for a year. Probably, he was reacting to my resistance to his other behaviors which were being rather cheap, too desperate to win, and a host of other things, nobody liked him so I didn’t even try to. We just deemed him one of those problem players who played too much money to be shunned completely. Of course, I’m sure we were all secretly jealous of the amount of money he had available to just gamble away at will. Jealousy is another trait most of secretly try to push down, because that’s not spiritual is it? Fuck no, you should cultivate gratefulness but you see, if you just let your feeling and thoughts that seem jealous just disperse, not actually judging them as right or wrong, but as just being there right now what would happen is they would eventually just disperse on their own. It’s not even wrong to judge, if you had no judgment at all you’d be a very lost and confused person. Without any type of judgment you’d have no way of deciding anything one way or the other. So it’s not that we can’t or shouldn’t judge, it’s that we learn from the spiritual marketplace this is wrong and then try to push it down which creates a resistance to it which not only leaves us open to more of it but creates a vacuum that draws it down into us. The identity layer is a devious kind of thing only after the form of some predatory energetic movement has enveloped it and distorted all its visions.

So that’s how the spiritual movements never really seem to solve anything. We’ve got millions if not billions of spiritual people all over the planet whose presence remains totally ineffective to change anything. You might even say that the spiritual movement so many succumb to actually hinders them since it teaches a type of resistance to all things unspiritual which in turn only draws that down or at the very least keeps it present. I always return to the law “what one resists persists.” And what if that spiritual movement was itself a predatory energetic configuration, a sort of trap to get more people pushing shit down, so something else might soak up the misery created by doing so? Maybe let’s think of it like this, all actions, whether in the psychological, physical, or just emotional realms don’t do anything, they are just stable energy, until they meet another force such as resistance, now you’ve got friction, which is energetic, which leads to movement. That’s not a mistake but a design, some call it evolution. We resisted imagining having to take a shit in bug filled wooden boxes, and now we’ve got toilets and plumbing. I wouldn’t call that bad would you? Of course, they can backfire, get clogged up, reverse course, and you’ve got a mess on your hands, probably you’re going to have to call a plumber and now you’ve got two problems, mess and loss, loss of money, loss of resources for other things. You can’t just pretend there’s no issue, maybe call upon some benevolent God to come fix your toilet, no you’re going to have to take some action. You’ll have to get online, find a professional who deals in toilets, pick up the phone, make an appointment, allow them access to the situation, extract money from your bank account, pay them with it, and that’s how the world we live in works. If you resisted the situation, maybe you push the thought down that there’s something wrong with your toilet, I don’t think you’ll be too happy with the results.

That’s what we’re doing all day long when we push anything we don’t like about ourselves away because we deem it “wrong”. We don’t see that this natural process is one of expulsion. That things are just floating up from the depths so that we might allow them to disperse because without the resistant identity that’s exactly what would happen. Things wouldn’t get worse or more chaotic they’d actually disappear. I guess in order to see this you really have to grok the illusionary nature of reality and how your own imagination is producing the world you and everyone else thinks they live in.

Well, let’s say you are a predator. You’re inhabiting your host which is a person and all the structures you’re used to using to continue and thrive yourself on are suddenly breaking loose and your host who was initially so good at keeping everything around that you needed for your survival is now not holding onto to any of it. What would you do? You’d try to create a disturbance right? You’d summon up as much fear as you could because you’re not dumb, you know this is the single most effective way to keep your host compliant to your wishes which is your own well being. Maybe, if someone was really on the brink of escaping this whole mechanism you’d orchestrate a motorcycle accident in which another person kills themselves on the back of their car. Maybe you’d create a cancer to invade their body, just really wreak some havoc. None of it is actually real in the sense that humans think it is, but they go about reacting as if it is, thereby falling prey to the whole schema, indefinitely perpetuating the predators existence and force of influence over everything. Fuck, if the model fits it just does.

My own mistake was equating kindness with power. Even indifference is more powerful than kindness though you wouldn’t think so. Why is it though that so many of us in this world have no power, not even the personal power to transform our own lives? What do we lack, is it just money? Do we consistently think only of our own lack thereby constantly creating it? I mean it’s easy to do right? We see prices rising now, bills are overwhelming the entire population not just in my country but it’s being reported world wide, it’s a global event almost, and yet, here we still are, that’s pretty strange, my world is pretty much the same as it ever was. Sure there’s a little agitation, a little more stress financially, that feeling that the bottom might fall out is never far away, and yet, that’s the place, that’s the fucking hole to jump into, because what you’ll find if you do is there’s no fucking bottom, nothing actually ends. The whole fucking illusion moves ever onwards.

I sometimes watch these awakening guys talking about awareness, what it is? I mean at the end of the day hasn’t that message sunk in already? On some level, who the fuck cares if we’re awareness or not, we are that, so what? Isn’t the real question what you’re going to do with it? And why is there always this special or spiritual fucking shit attached to it as if there was good awareness and not so good awareness. Purified awareness? Purified of what, life, your experiences thus far? That makes me think of how you might wash your clothes, shit maybe that’s why we wash our clothes, dirty and unclean, this is a very stuck concept in the minds of humans. You can’t define awareness, you can never predict what it will be aware of but it does seem to have certain functions. You can focus it for one, or you can let it roam wherever it wants to go. It does both quite easily. When you go to sleep you can let it disappear so that you’re not aware of it but you can never fully define it, not now, not ever. I mean on some level to just drone on about awareness, you have to think that someone cares what the fuck you think it is, but do they? Fuck no, they have to start their own journey, not just listen to yours. I suppose you could say the same shit about this writing, why or how could you my reader give a shit about what I think I see? You don’t, you’re not fucking supposed to. It’s your life not mine you’re interested in. I don’t know I got bored listening to one self proclaimed guru talk a whole video about how he disintegrated one night. We’re all going to do it one day so is that even some sort of accomplishment or dynamic event because if it’s not then why make a whole video about it? Nobody I know wants to disintegrate before it’s their time to. That’s not what life’s about and yet within the whole non dual movement this is all the craze, how to disappear. It sounds fucking comical when you write it out this way. It’s like they are all on youtube discussing their own disappearances but trying to gather attention at the same time by saying, “Here’s what I know about the Truth” never realizing you can’t say shit about the Truth except maybe it exists. Everything is filtered through an individual and that persons heritage and long standing pattern of what they will invariably believe and sense is right or correct is going to color all of it. But that doesn’t make it correct when fucking correct is also another fucking concept. Jed never said, listen to me or what I say is true, he said go and have a look for yourself, that’s all. He also never said just disappear, life is nothing. If life is nothing and you don’t have to do anything then if you have some kids there you don’t need to feed them. Well, most of these guys if they have kids also have some woman in the background actually doing something. I don’t know, it just seems weird to me, maybe I’m just beyond all that shit, all the stupid little fucking pointers. For me life is movement and if you’re not moving then you’re standing still as if you’re already dead and fuck that. My son showed me a poem by some guy named Dylan Thomas called Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night. I say look it up because the poem isn’t about death, it’s about raging against the dying of the light. The light doesn’t die at death it surrenders itself to it, but you don’t fucking do that before your body is withering away. The whole world tries to steal your fucking light, everything we do now just to live is somehow related to that. That’s the real reason this shit looks the way it does. The brainwashing and the predator siphon off the energy of the people, fuck most people can barely move now. They don’t have thoughts, thoughts have them, that’s the fucking difference here. These are my fucking thoughts, and I’m the only living thing on this planet that can write them.

If life is expression why is everyone sitting around with their eyes closed? You’d think they’d be doing shit but the real question is how is that the instruction for awakening to the fact that you’re but dreaming all this? You see in the end, it’s not enough to know you’re awareness, that’s literally just a tiny fucking starting point. The logical conclusion to knowing you’re awareness is what the fuck can you do with it? And, you can do a lot, more than even I know right now. Your trip on earth isn’t about just sitting there like a leaf on a tree, if it was you’d be a fucking leaf or a tree anchored to the ground for your entire duration. And the facts are you’ve got legs, arms, a head, thoughts, emotions, sensation, imagination, and attention or awareness. You can move about at will. So you’ve also got some will, will power, what is that but the power of your own will. The whole idea of “you are not the doer so just settle in for the duration and absorb what some mysterious force you can’t touch or see wants to show you” starts to seem a little silly about now, does it not? I’m not even saying there isn’t one, I actually think there is, but your job is to work with it, not against it, and just sitting there hoping it will do all the work for you if you can just get quiet enough is kind of stupid. Obviously if there is a mysterious force directing my ass, it has been anything but quiet. No, it likes to write, and it likes to explore, and it has been doing this since some opening to it came onboard.

Yeah, I just had some dumb ideas still stuck in my make up. Maybe, I was looking for something that doesn’t exist, how about that for a fucking revelation? If you ask me, the trick to life is to know you’re dreaming when you’re awake but that’s not the whole picture, focusing your attention and will on what you want to do is also a big piece. Once you know you’re dreaming then you should also know that the sky’s the fucking limit precisely because it is a dream. There’s literally no reason whatsoever to settle for anything anymore. So it was never about just knowing you are awareness, obviously you are aware of shit, no? That’s no big revelation is it? So why or how is everyone focused on just that, be aware? Okay, you were already aware, always have been, now you’re aware of being aware, so do you stop there, end of mystery? That’s just fucking stupid. Here you are in life, with life, as a life, you’re a living pulsing entity, and that’s fucking it? Sit back and enjoy it? What about the adventure? What about the creativity? You’re not just a receiving station you’re also a creator, you can do shit, you can think shit, feel shit, experience shit, taste shit, touch shit, make shit, I mean this list could be endless because a dream is endless. There is no place within a dream where you can stand still. A dream is not the same as standing on top of a mountain peak and exclaiming this is the top of the world. It’s a living, dynamic, flowing kind of thing. Today will not be yesterday. It will move, it has always been moving. Those who don’t move get sick and fucking die. And don’t get me started about peace either, life is not about being at peace, fuck peace you’re here to live not be a stone. When my friend told me she was at “peace” with dying, my first thought was “NO”, you don’t just accept whatever shit has come your way, instead you fight, you fight the fading of the light within you and you fucking get it back. Doctors are delusional, but the only reason they can convince you of anything is because you’re delusional. You don’t have to take anyone’s word as true because you’ve got your own words, why don’t you make up the whole true thing yourself then? You don’t need anyone to agree with you as long as you agree with yourself. Well, usually we don’t think we’re qualified or elevated enough to claim we know anything. “There’s nothing to know”, how many times have we heard that stupid message because obviously there is a lot to fucking know, not just about yourself but about everything.

I learned that my friend was put into a drug induced sleep so she could be put on a ventilator. She passed away this afternoon. Was that God’s will? Fuck me, I don’t think so. Hell no. That was just another avoidable human tragedy because human understanding of how life actually works is still underdeveloped and remains where it always does, at ground zero ignorance. Our real downfall as a species lies in our arrogance of thinking we understand shit we barely understand at all