How Damns Break

Does anyone even think about their life anymore? If they do, I’m not seeing it, at least not around here, not out among what might be called the general population. If they’re not, what are they thinking about? Just money, right? Our whole lives are ruled by the shit now I guess. There’s no escaping that is there? I think the first thing you want to find out about a person these days is what they do for a living. “So how do you make your money? is the question. It’s not what’s your favorite color anymore or what’s your favorite food although this one might be up there. Food and money, is that what life has culminated into, thoughts about food and money? I don’t even think it’s cool to ask, “Hey, who do you think you are?” Even if they tell you is that any kind of answer? Who do people think they are? That’s what I want to know because I’m not really sure these days. Do I even know who I am? Probably not, it’s starting to get a little fuzzy around here lately in this regard.

Still, I think it’s pretty normal that after you find out what someone does, your mind just automatically does a little calculation to determine which tax bracket a person is in. Out of that you can conjure up whether they live better than you do or they’re driving an old Toyota with a dented fender. Do people stick to their own tax brackets now? I think they probably do, rich boys want pretty rich girls and ugly poor boys are lucky if they can get the fat girl to give them the time of day. Can an ugly fat rich guy get a pretty rich girl or does he have to look a little lower down the scale and settle for an average looking girl from the middle classes? Maybe he goes for an ugly rich girl, that’s probably doable. He’s not getting pretty though, I doubt it, unless she’s really poor, maybe from another country, probably she cares more about money having never had it then being intimate with a less then ideal partner. I think it’s fair to say many humans will betray their natural inclinations of aversion for it. That’s strange. I wonder why. Is it because we teach our children to go against all their natural inclinations no matter what the matter is? Sit here and don’t move. Isn’t that already a betrayal of one’s right to movement or to self government? Isn’t it the same as saying, “What I tell you to do matters more than what’d you naturally go with right now?” Or worse? “Doing what you want to do is dangerous if I say differently or have other ideas?” There will be negative consequences to following your own directives we in tone. Of course, children always disobey when they are very young, and it’s only after repeated failures to have it their way that they ever agree to comply, not willingly because they think someone is right, but because the consequences such as an adults anger and withdrawal of love starts to outweigh or over ride the urge to trust themselves. Ultimately, this is when a person already starts to become confused and disconnected from what they really are.

Oh, the things we do here on earth are mind boggling to me because literally they are so unnecessary but more so against our very happiness. To think, you are born with everything you need to live a beautiful life and have it slowly ever so painfully stripped away usually by your very own parents and the cultural structures they so hardily believe in more than they believe in you and your inherent goodness. This is always going to be disturbing, because frankly it should be. The first problem presents itself in the idea that you can be wrong. You can have the wrong response or a less than valid response to what you are experiencing. I think we are born free and then our freedom of expression is slowly curtailed and tampered with to make us presentable to certain social situations. The concept of guilt is introduced very early so it’s not just that you’re wrong, you should have known better when clearly the whole time it wasn’t about what you didn’t know, but about what the others who are influencing you did. The madness is of course transferred this way. I mean just look at the spiritual teachers who tell you to silence your mind if you don’t believe me. In the beginning, your own mind is already completely silent. Our consciousness produces a magical type of universe and the feeling as a child is usually very nice which is how you can laugh and be delighted so easily. And then you learn. It’s only after this that some internal dialog arises, usually one you don’t even like so much. That’s the real gift your parents give you, a harness that fits tightly over your own mind and squeezes you relentlessly until that’s all you can focus on. It forces you to think it’s real, but it’s anything but that. The whole house of cards can tumble and fall with just a simple switch up of a single card. Who knew? I didn’t. I was as shocked as anyone would be and this shock would be something else to get over. No two life battles are the same. It hits you as hard as it does I suppose, but it’s no, here sit down and have a nice cup of coffee sort of thing either.

Coming out the other end of this unlearning, which was the shredding and shedding of your whole life, I want to talk about something else which is basically this: You’re done. It’s over and all there is to do now is relax. The idea that life will and does take care of itself goes against all our learning, but at this juncture you know this is the actual Truth of your situation. If people could get this one Truth at the beginning of life, I’ll tell you what, it would probably reduce suffering by at least 90%. This idea however also gets corrupted. People who don’t actually understand the dynamic usually relate it to being a total floor mat, they think they are just letting life take over but they don’t understand that they are almost always still pushing half of it down to fit some picture they have in their mind of how life should be. They also think that life will make everything happen on its own without any input or actions on their part. That’s really how you can get thousands of people into some meditation hall five days a week, all of them waiting for some miracle to arrive which isn’t coming, not like that. Most meditation is about pushing down what doesn’t fit into the picture of perfection that is some unrealistic idea.

So what really is letting go and letting life live through you? It’s allowing everything, not just the nice stuff but all the other stuff too. It’s even allowing yourself to be angry if that’s what’s coming up, whatever does come up is actually it but that’s still where it gets tricky. If you have any ego left than how can you determine which is which because ego always wants trouble and the real you doesn’t but that doesn’t mean walking around like a lifeless jelly fish washed up on the beach either. It’s also not avoidance even though you will definitely get a clear signal to walk around a lot of stuff which includes almost all human affairs since they’re all ego based. So true movement is going to be sketchy at first, and you’re not going to feel totally secure with it for maybe the first ten years. It’s really a deeply insidious thing to have your trust in life completely removed and then try to find that balance with surety again. What will throw you every time is when it doesn’t line up with all the images that spirituality gives us to believe in. That whole fantasy has to pretty much die. Words like holy and magical sound holy and magical and may even feel holy and magical, but these are also just fantasies. I’m not saying it doesn’t feel good to release it all and therefore take a load off, really it does, but human descriptions of what is really going on there are very skewed and still belief based. We want to believe in fantasies, that’s what keeps us going, so a certain amount is wired in even if it’s still just an hallucination. The problem arises when our belief in the fantastical exonerates us from any actions. The whole “you reap what you sow” has some Truth to it, so if you just sit there and meditate, you may get some results, maybe even some mystical experiences, but is that all you want or do you actually want to be free of everything? If you want freedom, then that’s something that only comes after years of focused emotional energy, and you have to work on harnessing this feature because once lost it isn’t easily rebuilt. It will require daily struggles that no one you know is doing nor ever will. As a rule, our most treasured activities revolve around checking out, not checking in and true surrender only comes after all the battles are won not conceded by default because you convince yourself that what you think is going on in your life is how it is. Nothing is going on in your life by the way so it’s not staying either. Throughout it all it will seem like something is happening, and you have to ride those somethings at the same time as everything else. And more than that, it will take as long as it does. Your life will change but it may not be in ways that you think it should. This is really where the total surrender comes in, because until that time to which ego is totally gone, and you are able to finally step into the flow of life without wishing, without hoping, without a single expectation, that’s when things can truly shift.

Of course, only you will know when this occurs. You can read trillions of accounts by other spiritual documents, and still it won’t be like any of them. A single journey is totally unique in every way. That’s the real reason how it’s so hard for us to help each other. Every person alive is running a script and no one is ever going to follow it. What’s more is that even though we think we’re speaking the same language, no one is actually communicating. The only actual communication that happens around here is going to come from the heart that is free of ego. That’s it. You’ll be communicating with the divine mind itself when that line fully opens up but it’s not “the divine mind” as something separate from you, but just what you are, what you’ve always been and that’s on a need to know basis. Your thoughts are not alien life forms anymore but little inspirations that come from the one mind which is imagination and creativity all wrapped up in one. All alignments happen through that or they don’t happen.

Probably the strangest but most liberating thing I’ve learned is that emotions are not bad. I don’t know how it got popularized that you’d always be calm as a cucumber inside and out but that is not ideal. Yeah, you’ll probably be unassuming on the outside, maybe that’s how you look to others because you’re no longer really involved here or maybe most of them don’t see you at all, that’d be my wish, since I got nothing in common with the average two legged one headed homo sapiens that mostly inhabit this planet and that’s how I’d like it to stay, but you don’t need to be an emotional zero either. I actually like my emotions now more than anything else, shit what a gift, did anyone ever think of that? Emotions are your fuel so why is everyone trying so hard to turn them off? Is it more human to be politely dead inside or to actually burn the fuel you come with? Humans basically lobotomize themselves. They take their children to the schools and instead of coming alive, they turn them into paper pushers. I’m not saying it’s bad to learn to read and write, no that’s truly a nice thing because of all the great literature you can read and maybe write but you don’t do that at school. If this was a healthy society you’d easily pick it up like you do the fucking language everyone around you is speaking. Once you force a child to do anything you’ve basically become their master and look, that’s all the people now, slaves to a master they can’t even see anymore. There’s no one there and the machinery is still running non stop, but they’re not enjoying it, fuck no, why do you think they need all the silly distractions? So they can turn it off once in a while, that’s why. That’s not a system that is serving you, that’s a system that is haunting you. So you learn to control your emotions, you stop screaming and loving too much and become a robot instead so in your mind you can tell yourself you look cool or even that you don’t care. Trust me this always backfires, and probably accounts for more sickness than we’ll ever know because now pain is bad and pleasure is good. If you’d never been conditioned to believe in these silly notions, you’d never have had to suppress a single feeling. I don’t suppress shit, I can tell you that. I might not tell people what I’m feeling or thinking because what for? Why do they need to know? Are they living my life? I already know they’re not capable of understanding it but that doesn’t stop me from feeling what I am feeling. Once you get it down, you can go back to being however you are, you don’t need permission or someone else’s opinion on anything. You don’t say, “Is my feeling okay on this?” or “Are my thoughts right?” Those days are fucking gone for good. What a relief that is, the days of trying to be anything different are basically over. So what if people think you’re strange? I don’t actually mind looking strange and besides, I think they are even stranger so what do I care if anything we’re even, let’s have a party, we’re all strange now. I’m guessing that’s how the word “stranger” became mainstream. You call him a stranger, because you have no access to what he’s really thinking and feeling. He might just be performing some bullshit for you, playing out some weird fantasy his mind came up with, and that would actually be true, because that’s everyone.

The point here is if you’d just be how you are, then you’d probably snap out of it and start living. I mean maybe. You might say I am telling people how I feel and what I think with this writing, and maybe, that seems true, but it’s not really. I have a whole other life outside of this, that never makes it over here. You’d be the same way, and really you are. Inside every human mind is an ongoing drama and adventure that no one but you ever knows about. You might have friends and think you know them, but truly, you don’t actually know them. I promise you there is a whole other world inside of them that no one ever gets access to, and I don’t care how close you are. That’s just the way it is, it’s not a bad thing but it’s a thing. You’re alone in there, and that’s how it’s so vital that whatever is happening be allowed to flow however it flows without hitting a wall and then backing up, and eventually building up. That’s really how damns break. The water flows and flows and if it’s contained and not able to move, it will knock those multi million dollar, billion tons of cement structures to smithereens. The whole thing comes crashing down in a big monstrous catastrophe and anything unfortunate enough to be downstream of it is going to suffer and so it is with you only it’s called a car accident, a heart attack, or whatever malady appears, all from blockages of emotional energy that has no where to go. If you won’t feel it, it will just manifest something that will make you feel it, it doesn’t ask permission either. Wars are basically the same thing only collectively, you’ve got build up in millions of people and they’re all looking to unload it. Had they all just felt what they were feeling when they were feeling it, it would never happen. The system would go on to regulate itself, but now it can’t. You get one madman, and the rest of the gullible soldiers just fall in line behind him. You want to talk about strange? Just turn on the news and get an earful.

Of course, when you feel upset over what you see online, that is really just the system harvesting your energy which is your emotion. If you keep it for yourself then you’d be able to use it to manifest the ways and means to do what you want, but if everyone did that, who would subjugate themselves to keep all the structures that are meant to enslave you in place? Everything would fall apart right? So it makes sense that you need some of the population to stay as they are, keep stocking those groceries, keep manning the airline radars, flying the planes, building the houses or what have you. That’s not a mistake, that’s just a system designed to help some escape and allow others the right to stay stuck in the muck. The choice to escape is always yours. You can choose it anytime you want to or you can stay with the drama that this world provides. Since it doesn’t matter what you do, neither way is right or wrong, just personal preference, that’s a pretty cool thing right there. Everyone is free and just doesn’t know it.

Yeah, if you know all this then how are you still working some job? Well, it’s not an overnight kind of thing. Your energy wanes as you get older so most people just choose to stay with what they got. I’m not saying that’s what I’ll do but there’s no predicting the future either. Even so this is a skill that you come with and until it’s fully developed the results are going to be hit and miss. Of course, if there’s any ego, it doesn’t work right so that’s what takes the longest on this journey. I find it’s easier to manifest for other people, then myself because as far as a personal self goes, there isn’t one. You’re something all right, just not that. Ego always says I want this, not that. It can never experience something it thinks it doesn’t want and go with it. So it loses a lot of energy when things don’t go as planned. Learning to grok this whole flow of energy thing, would be a life long process but since it’s cut off so young, before it even could develop makes it even harder. Now it seems like something new, maybe something novel, but it isn’t. It’s really been there all along working for you as best as it was being accessed. Before when you’re just born you are it, and then you become estranged, so just more unlearning there. It gradually returns and maybe if you are still young enough to use it, it can do amazing things.

I don’t know how young I am anymore at 61. I know that I’m no longer beautiful because let’s face it, age does age you. Even so I try not to let this thought discourage me from letting the flow direct me. You really have to guard your thinking at this age. For example, when my back started to hurt, my mind told me I was probably just worn out, maybe my body has just had enough, a kind of life over scenario was coming. I had the image in my mind that I’ve been standing for 8 sometimes 9 hours a day, five days a week dealing a craps game and that probably did it. That was some “poor me” ego choreography right there. I tell you the ego is a tricky monster because it takes things that seem very fucking real to everyone and will run with it if you believe in it even a little bit. The real reason I was so cranky the other night is I probably do need to make a change, it’s coming, and bending over all night to satisfy the whims of a bunch of unconscious self indulgent gamblers seems to be getting a little much. Time to change dreams there I’m sure. I had some idea that if I kept complying with all this I might actually injure my body to the point that I can’t repair it, like maybe my back will be permanently stuck in pain mode, and never release it. Of course, this is all bullshit as well. It’s sounds very convincing but only because most of the population dreams it up this way and the doctors office’s are full to prove it. I got over that by going out walking and jogging almost five miles the next night with no pain at all. In the end, you will do what you will do, and it will go how it will go. No one is promised a pain free existence nor an easy one. I think the gist of it is that you can never know. On the upside, my job does keep my mind quick, since I have to be able to juggle a lot of bets and people all at once and most of the time it goes smoothly and usually better than I imagine it will. I’m also almost forced to stay fit because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to endure it. So maybe that’s practice for something else or just longevity in general, who knows, but there’s not much exercise going on here while I’m writing other than my fingers so time to end this one and actually go for a walk. It’s a nice day here and wouldn’t you know it, they lied about the weather. It’s not going to be 106 after all just 102 since it finally rained here and cooled everything down. Did they not see that coming? Shit where are all these weather predictions coming from? It is all just imagination, because what are they really measuring? Nothing right, it’s summer, it feels warm because that’s what summers are, warm weather.

Shit, why do we have to complicate everything? I just don’t fucking know anymore and that’s exactly how I like it. Oh by the way, bewilderment is also an emotion, maybe try it out sometime, it kind of has a nice intensity to it that I'm loving right now. Now time to let that song find it’s way here for this one. And there it is. Well, actually it took a while, all night, but now it's here.