It's Much Too Late Now

I think the common experience of life is an emanation. What do I mean by emanation? Yeah, I’m not really sure what it is other than a space in time where things seem the way they seem. Carlos Castaneda describes humans as having a point of awareness that is in us which when stable coincides with an emanation. The emanations don’t change, only we can move our point of awareness to other positions and maybe when we die that’s all we have really done sort of the same way it moves when we sleep. We can know it moved because in our sleep dreams we may be able to fly or swim underwater so we’ve basically wandered onto a different emanation with some other rules of engagement. Maybe when our point moves onto this one it comes equipped with a body, the same body that this particular point always imagines. I think we each come equipped with many strands of awareness and each strand coincides with its own rules of reality or emanation. (Just so you know, I use the word reality here as if it is synonymous with hallucination.) What those rules actually are is just stuff that works the same way for everyone in that point, like water flows and feels wet, fire burns, birds chirp, humans don’t fly by their own strength, the ground we walk on doesn’t bend or depress as we pass, it all looks and feels pretty solid, at least to most people, and stuff like that. This would be the emanation that most of us are living from, but we’re only living from it because our point of awareness is stuck. Let’s say for whatever reason over time it settled here, and now, since we take on the point of our parents, all are born into it and that’s where by and large your entire life is lived. You can maybe move around between points, but it’s sporadic and temporary because the force of all the others at stuck point produces the consensual reality, and there’s no escaping this physically, maybe, maybe not. At the end of the series, Carlos Castaneda”s character Don Matus does escape with a few others. The cohort leaves this place behind for another point and doesn’t come back. They are never seen again. Of course, maybe it’s just a story, not something you could actually do, not that I’m interested, this life the way I know it will be fine for the duration.

I wonder though what emanations were once available or in service to human imagination. If all is mind then mind must have had other points of imagination. The very first humans might have for instance imagined the landscape, otherwise how do we have it as a reliable living reality/hallucination? Or perhaps they were imagining from a different point where the animals, the rivers, mountains, sea, and sky and all that goes with it were available to dream. If these humans were living from a different point of awareness perhaps one where the imagination was clearly free to run wild, then that would explain the absolutely wonderful childlike markings that some birds and even animals have, they look almost as if a child designed their colors and patterns, just some free creative license there. So let’s say that’s how it began and then the point started to shift. The previous dreams are always still available since mind is one so nothing ever goes anywhere, so the animals and landscape stayed. Attention can be aware of them, or not, perhaps you’re just looking at a computer screen like I am right now. Your whole world then may be only what the confines of your mind allow you to witness or see. When people go on LSD trips and the confines are dropped by virtue of the drug, they see all types of fantastic configurations which they feel positively very differently about. The drug may actually unbind the point of awareness so that its hypnotically cruising all over the place from one vantage point to the next. That’s all nice, but we’re stuck in this point right now, in this point all realities work the way we learn they do, but do they? Are all points of awareness actually equal or are some more fluid, more creative than others? Are there other capacities available even here that most living beings no longer have access to? Do the capacities coincide with being able to fluidly move one’s point of awareness into freer emanations or are they just something we’d develop if everyone still had them and we therefore simply believed in them as common place, since what we think of as hard, or even complicated, can easily overwhelm us and keep us stagnant.

I know I can only really speak for myself but after my last major experience I did develop this insatiable writing habit. I never had access to anything like this before, no, I’d have been hard pressed to write a coherent email back before it all. So something definitely changed. Did my point move ever so slightly or does it move around, like when I’m writing maybe it’s in another spot, a much freer one where words flow off my fingers in a sort of rhythm similar to how raindrops might fall. Or when I’m listening to music I can drift off to a dreamy place where sensations are heightened and bliss bestows it’s graces on me. I think it’s worth thinking about. I know I like to think now, it’s not a bothersome event for me. I seem to think I know what’s going on most of the time, even when I’m feeling low which sometimes happens at work, I see the thoughts I’m thinking about that place, and I usually recognize that I might not have slept enough or rested adequately, and sometimes my whole attitude is in the toilet, because I also know at those times I’m probably not appreciating the whole joke. I can be sad about what I’m encountering. I do not always feel like I belong, like there’s nothing “out in the world” I can relate to at all anymore. Sometimes I have the fortitude to look harder, to see past the outer garments, the hypnotic eyes, the eyes with all their attention on the money like nothing is more important than that, and even when I know they’re asleep and they can’t help it one bit, I feel like I’m outsider. I’m outside looking in somehow. I feel sad that so many could miss the most vital aspect of their entire existence. I see very clearly how they’re stuck in the story of me and my gambling and nothing is going to penetrate that. The whole set up there is too alluring, too emotionally stimulating to allow any other type of connection to commence. Sometimes they seem human to me, and sometimes they don’t, they seem like some other type of creature like the kind I used to be.

Nothing is more obvious to me now than how fear is consistently and continuously used to steer humanity. The stories aim to instigate or arouse discontent, fear of calamity, or worse, those people want to kill you but is any of it true? Not really, but it does make for mass hallucinations and if there’s one thing to know about hallucinations it’s that they can feel as real as anything else. The screen is empty, but what we project onto it, we live with. Obviously greed is a major abnormality, the inhuman corporations can just name their prices when it comes to things like gas, electricity, and all the other major things the population relies on. Health care costs can ruin a person these days if they don’t have the right insurance and something goes wrong with the body. Probably the cost for a burial is more than the middle income peoples of the world can afford. I know I told my children that when I’m dead just let the emergency services pick me up and if I’ve passed forget about my body, tell them you don’t give a fuck what they do with it or that you don’t even know me, you don’t know whose body that is so fuck off with it. Dream or not humans are grotesque creatures in their current state. You’d think we’d have figured out a cost effective way to get rid of the dead so as not to add more pain and suffering to the ones left grieving but no, the grieving are now the targets of rip off schemes where they will be told that nothing less than a nice coffin, burial site, and religious service (not free either) will launch their loved one into a proper after life or who knows how they word it, the fact that it’s all bullshit and no dead body has ever cared what happened to it seems like common sense to me. Rather than spend the money on that, I’d be happier if they used it for a Caribbean vacation, shit go do something fun and forget about me, I’m home end of story.

So yeah, it’s a strange place, and you can’t help but run into the consensual reality. My electric bill for this house shot up to $400 just for this last month, yes it was hot, that didn’t help but there was also a note underneath that said, “Why is my bill so high?”, and it went on to explain how added fees and shit were suddenly necessary and added to it. You see here’s what I know, they just make the shit up. Anytime they want to increase profits all they have to do is add some mumbo jumbo technical sounding language and the corresponding price tag. The lowly electric consumer doesn’t stand a chance against any of it, you pay or you don’t have electricity. It’s that simple. Always the things you are bound to hang over your head and come with a price tag. I should have built myself a treehouse I think, up high, where the breeze cools us off and I lament, gone are the days when you didn’t need any of this shit. It was you or you and your family and the wide open spaces but then maybe not so fast, probably there were tree snakes and who knows what else to deal with. Yeah, I’ll just pay the electric, not really equipped to deal with that other shit anymore, hell we get up in arms here over a tiny army of ants trying to make some trek under the door. We’re a thousand times bigger than their mightiest leader, the vacuum is a formidable weapon, and still we feel upset, bothered. What the fuck are these ants doing? Shit, all I can really say is the mind is a wonderful thing. It is full of drama, highs and lows, bothersome antics and good news, over and over again it goes. It never tires nor bores itself.

I’m watching the simplicity of my son’s puppy right now as it chews on the new chew stick I gave her. My son is in his room on zoom doing a job interview, his second one in just two days. Soon he’ll be able to help with all the bills or make up the deficit if there is one. The Truth of the matter is always that we have no idea what is going on, things are set in motion from a million different angles, and strike where they want, bestowing gifts or taking things away and the screen, the real source of life stands still in brilliant authority, for nothing touches nor alters it. This whole set up is truly amazing, we dream with our endless imaginations, we are being supplied with life continuously, and never even notice how we are. Or maybe we do, if we do, it’s a matter of imagination, after the long drawn out process of ridding ourselves of all the excess baggage which is just your entire life, the contents of your mind must be drained. That’s really how you know that anyone speaking on any platform who just says, “Hey, it’s all love, it’s all just consciousness” is speaking only from some initial glimpse. They have no idea of what will actually be required and couldn’t conceive of the process if you sat them down and tried to explain it to them. Or as Jed so aptly penned, “The price of Truth is everything.” Even to taste the actual process is to reject it, ego does not let go so easily, and you can’t use it against itself so have fun with that.

I think what helps the most is your focus. You never let your point of awareness off the ball, and if you do, which you will do, everyday for some of the time, you continuously return to your one true objective…freedom. This writing has been that focus, which is probably how it started up to begin with. Basically you need a ground cord, something that binds you to the Truth while the rest of your life goes willy nilly all around you because let’s face it, that’s what your life is, a willy nilly silly temporary expression of creativity. It is not the serious affair you’ve been brainwashed to think it is, it does not matter what you do, but you’ll be required to do something since the forces you’re immersed in will definitely facilitate this.

Are we doomed as a species? I listened to a podcast tonight with some guy who seemed to know an awful lot about human behavior and how by all apparent markers, it is totally cracking up about now. My answer is just I don’t know. I only really know there’s no Truth to what we dream up, the stuff we do dream up does seem to follow some interesting cultural curves, but where any of it leads is just more conjecture. I’m sure the people living through World War two weren’t having too many grand thoughts about how humanity would evolve or thrive. I’m not saying we actually did that, no human confusions seem to stick around no matter how many cell phones or computers are in use. I sometimes like to try to make correlative bridges between cultural norms such as the rise of eating slaughtered animals and the rise of violence or inner fear, perhaps the two are related energetically, but there’s never any conclusive evidence for anything around here since it’s not true to begin with.

I do see some patterns though that are pretty hard to refute, for instance, the rise of the belief in a punishing God entity who was continuously judging everyone from behind the scenes probably did not help us. The belief that there was no escaping it, or him, it was mostly a him over the years in almost all the imaginations seemed to turn humans into cowering cows. Being meek really seems to me a form of submitting to whatever bullshit was happening whether you liked it or not. I do think there’s a force at work here, an intelligence that far surpasses anything we can even imagine but if there is, it has no capacity to judge you as being good, bad, or ugly. All that is just a deeply ingrained feeling of self loathing, and lack of self worth which somehow morphed into a deity that doesn’t exist.

Personally, I think freedom is what we really lack. Humans are basically never free to do what they want or be how they are. From the moment we are born we are being subjugated, so now we’re like this, basically a huge collection of dumbasses. Of all the things we might have believed in and taken on as our reality, we choose this? Did children choose to learn to read and write while being lorded over by some task manager? Yeah, for sure, we are basically a hopeless lot. I think it just helps to know this so you don’t have to go on trying very hard when the so called smartest person on earth is a bumbling idiot because nothing they say is actually true and they don’t even know it. That’s comical for the first few years but then even that gets boring. I open the news app and try to find something that really is exciting sometimes and am always sorely disappointed, usually my head just hurts or I feel nauseous. “Come on people, is that the best you can do?’, I think as I turn to the weather. It says it’s going to be 106 here on Tuesday and 109 on Wednesday, that sounds kind of fun. I had the thought I’ll go out walking on those days just to see how it feels.

I watched one video on remote viewing which I thought was a little interesting. The guys said they remote viewed seeing souls leaving this place and being imprisoned. I thought they are seeing reality as we know it now not some death suction tube, where if you choose wrongly, your attention gets harvested. It’s being harvested right now. Every time you watch a movie what do you think that is but your attention being used for the movie’s purposes even if that is only “watch me.” I thought the dead they were referring to are the ones walking around this earth. If you are only a tool of ego isn’t that what you are? The predator ego has taken over and whatever agenda’s it has become your agendas. People think they are making choices but fail to recognize how they are stuck in the pattern. There’s no choice in there. Then they are always lamenting their own choices, which are not really their own choices, which is how they lament them, and everyone else’s as well and the whole loosh harvest can continue.

I’m getting a little bored with my own situation lately. I keep thinking we’ve got to make a change here soon, just drop out of this whole fiasco but the viable location for that still eludes me so that sucks. Patience it is then I think because I should know as much and I don’t yet. At present, my son is due to get an expensive eye surgery so I have to keep the insurance at least until that’s over or it won’t be free. Other than that we looked it up and found out the ants are looking for water these days since it hasn’t rained in over two months. That’s a little concerning as they come in through the back kitchen door so I duct taped the bottom part just sorry this way is blocked. It doesn’t stop them but it will slow them down. I think I’ve got to stop thinking of ants but my kids keep reminding me of them. They’re invading the bathroom too. I’ve tried poison but it never works, those little things are smarter than we are. My worst nightmare these days is I can suddenly see twenty feet below the house, straight down into the earth and it’s all fucking ants, all the way down, just a big black mound of squiggly squirming tiny ant bodies interspersed with a little dirt. I know this: I’m getting an apartment next time, fuck this house shit. Then if I don’t like it I can just move to another one, in another city or another country if I want to. I’m going to travel light, maybe just one suitcase, so I can pack in like ten minutes and be off unless I’m rich, then maybe two or one of those pull suitcases and a small backpack.

My back has been hurting me lately so that’s a new thing. My daughter and I were going to physical therapy together but we fired him this week because he kept telling my daughter he was going find her a boyfriend. He’s been harping on this for the last year I guess and we were finally, “Okay that’s it, if we have to find someone else we will” but then we discussed how we can do exercises all by ourselves and don’t need anyone else. I don’t know what it is with older men thinking a girl needs a man but what can I say, this is a pretty ignorant kind of town. My daughter has made it pretty clear that she’s happy as hell on her own and if she ever does want to date it won’t be with anyone from this part of the world. I actually think that’s smart. I mean all you have to do is look at what’s running the country to know that would be a bad idea. As for my back, I think I’m probably just getting older and the job doesn’t help. I was getting a little irritated tonight with all the tiny bets going on. They all want to press by like five dollars, and I’m thinking shit if you’re going to gamble why don’t you actually do it and press all the way? Then if you win, you can actually make some money and we don’t have to keep doing this. All these little tiny presses are like a total nuisance to me and I have to keep bending over anytime they make one. It’s like here they are trying to gamble and they’re all afraid to make an actual bet. I wanted to scream, “Just get all your money out and make one fucking bet. If you win great, and if not, leave.” Trying to be careful with your money while gambling is just stupid if you ask me because it takes you like three hours to lose it all instead of like one minute. Why prolong it? It’s just dumb and no, you’re not funny, not cute, not much of anything. They should make a law that if you want to drink alcohol and be stupid you have to do it in your own home. Now that would be a law I could support.

When the nine rolled four times, finally a few people threw me some chips and said, “Give me a nine.” I said, “You’re supposed to bet it before it rolls, now it’s too late.” Someone said, “It’s never too late”, to which I replied, “Oh yes it is, the hour is later than you think. It’s much too late now.” And seven out, no more nines, but that’s not what I was talking about. It is too little too late for most of us. One day we’ll all know that. Oops, times up. My life probably failed. Oh well, what do I care? Which one's don't?"