Maybe We Should All Just Suck

Man, I don’t know if it’s just my algorithm but there is some truly bizarre shit on YouTube about now. Honestly, it’s getting to the point here now that I can’t even open one up. I just read the headline or caption or whatever that’s called, is that the thumbnail? I don’t know but whatever tries to suck you in with some sort of sensationalism is getting so stupid it’s just not entertaining. I want to be entertained, amused on some level, and I guess that’s gone. The only things I can really watch are these 4k travel videos of faraway places. Czechia looks very alluring, almost fairytale like. It’s interesting to me because apparently Ancestry DNA updated their results and now Western Czechia is my biggest ancestral DNA link, I’m at 19% with that and the rest is split up into about twenty other ones. My next biggest one is just 11% Ashkenazi Jew which is not really a location but an ethnic identity. How does that even come up when the rest of it is just locations on a map? That seems kind of strange. I’m not even sure how they figure that out, some type of DNA lineage, a line of DNA code? Coming in at 10% is a total combination of various Poland locations, Southern, Northern, Lessor (Less? Do they mean lower? Lower than what?), Central, and Eastern. I guess the West part of Poland is missing, no idea what was over there but maybe my ancestors stayed away from it. Also tied for 10% is Ireland, specifically Ulster, Ireland, which holds no meaning for me. I think that part came from the dad who just did the deed and got me here. I would say the craziest part about the chart is I’m supposedly only 3% German, and my mother grew up there. We spoke German in my house, ate German food, and basically thought we were mostly German on my mother’s side, but I guess maybe not. I wonder. Can I even believe any of it? Is that all just some more dream stuff? Maybe, but why would I dream up that, or better still, how would I dream it up, for what?

I think I like to think of this world as being sort of like the game of Clue just without the villains. I like to find these little clues now and see what they lead to, if they have anything to offer me in the way of living or some experience. Sometimes I think I’m looking for a place to belong, because I don’t feel like I belong here on this emanation, yeah, this one feels a little off sometimes. It was good for what it was good for, basically an uneventful stable sort of environment to raise up the kids and myself in, and now, it just feels like a flat piece of land that’s never going to do much of anything. I don’t even think you can really garden here because every time I tried to do it, the whole thing would just be overrun with bugs I’d never even seen before. I don’t know but maybe the insects have the upper hand around here and no one really knows it yet. I think I’d like to get out before some bug issue really gets out of hand but maybe I’ve seen too many weird movie clips about giant grasshoppers or ant colonies suddenly multiplying out of control. Fuck, if it was ever dreamt up and humans think they have problems now, they’d find out there are bigger things to worry about then whether you can go to war with other countries or the economy is fucked. Bugs taking over the land would definitely be my biggest nightmare, right next to something called the hunger games. I’ve actually heard some philosophers use that term to describe civilization as we currently know it, but I don’t think I paid attention. That would be something I probably wouldn’t click on. I only saw the movie because my kids dragged me to it, and I wasn’t a fan of the idea that humans could hunt other humans, yeah, that was just too gross for me but then again maybe that’s what Ice is, shit I guess if the shoe fits, it fits. Wow, those guys are really whacked, my response to that would be just calm down, stop being your ego, now go share your lunch and get over yourself.

I actually didn’t feel good going into work tonight as my stomach was bothering me. I figured it would ease up after I got there and thankfully it did just that. Even so it seemed like a weird night. It ended with these rich guys we’d never seen before just basically a whole family playing on one side of the table. I could tell they were rich just by the way they were all carrying themselves. Of course, they’re bets were big, but they were also cheap. They didn’t give any of us a single dollar chip for a tip. At one point, I had to tell the head honcho of the group which looked like the grandpa or the guy that had amassed the fortune that if he wanted to play the bonus, because he did, he had put a bet on it already, that he also had to make a pass line bet even if he wasn’t shooting. Maybe you don’t know what that means but just suffice it to say he questioned me about it, like I was making the shit up and used the dumb iconic line, “They don’t do that in Vegas”. No shit Sherlock, but have you looked around? You’re not in Vegas. We joke amongst ourselves sometimes that we should all be allowed to carry squirt guns and douse anyone who says it sort of like a blooper response. Anyway, since I don’t just stand there and argue my point, because I have a guy called a box man sitting in the middle of the table whose job it is to deal with these things, I just told him, and then he told him the same thing. “Yeah, but what about Vegas?” Dude, no one here gives a fuck about Vegas or you for that matter, either you follow the rule or you don’t get to bet it. You can always tell with these guys that they are either not taking the word of some lowly woman or maybe they don’t want to take anyone’s word which is how they question it to begin with. I mean seriously dude how smart are you? How many times do you think this bet has been made by now just once or twice so we’re still figuring out how it works and what’s required or close to a million plus times at this juncture? I mean do you deal the game? Could you even do what I do? I doubt it, for one you’ve eaten one too many steaks and it’s doubtful your stomach could lean over to move a single chip or die the way I do. I swear the costume ego wears sometimes is kind of mind boggling, it’s like dude, you’re obviously rich, and you settled for that? You had the luxury of transforming yourself in a million different ways, but nothing happened other than you were smothered in a veil of arrogance? Please, try harder, this was your one life, not dress rehearsal. Granted, it was definitely too late, enjoy your family then, that was the one thing he did have going for him, he was surrounded by family, none of them could shoot dice though so not sure how they wound up in my storyline. Most people don’t know where they are I think, they can amass tons of money, travel the world, eat in the finest restaurants and not have a lick of sense about them, listen I was nice to them, but these guys didn’t even crack a smile, you’d have thought we were performing a colonoscopy not playing a dice game, they were that somber. Probably they learned not to mingle or make eye contact with the help, it seemed to be something like that and of course, they didn’t like losing either. These guys think they can’t lose I think because they are such bullies elsewhere in their lives with all their dealings but when you come to my craps table, you can lose. You’re not in control of shit here I would tell them if they had the ears to listen which they don’t so I don’t. I save my breath for other kinds I think.

When we closed and cashed out, we looked at each other then and exclaimed, “Well, that’s over”, and we were all happy to be going home. We’ll all show back up tomorrow with smiles on our faces, making jokes, singing along to the music, and just being friendly because that’s our job, it’s not that hard though, I think it’s called being human. It was funny because earlier we were all talking on break about non player characters, and we were all starting to question whether our clientele was actually real or not. We were laughing because it was expressed that if you tried to talk to them, they would just sit there with a blank face, as if they couldn’t even carry on a conversation, and yeah, I said, “Probably it’s all just filler. Personally, I just look at them and try to figure out if they’re real or not, but usually I can’t find anything that says they are.” I found out I wasn’t alone in my observations, everyone agreed, it was hard to tell. I still don’t know how many are real and how many aren’t but I’m pretty sure that’s a thing around here. I always have this sneaking suspicion that things aren’t just strange, they are off the charts weirder than anyone ever fucking thinks they are. In fact, that’s the very reason this whole set up on a place called earth in the minds of millions or billions, whatever that figure is, is how it is. We aren’t just surrounded by strangeness now, we have become it. How’s that for a fucking twist of fate?

So I made a YouTube video, and in my mind, it just sucked. First off I was basically shocked by my own appearance, like damn, when did I get so old? When the fuck did that happen? I can tell you I do not feel that old. I’m not even sure now if age is a thing, but the body maybe doesn’t get the message, it’s carried along by time whether you want it to be or not. Oh well, though, who cares? Do I even need to care what I look like? If I do, it’s not happening. I did think my video was a little strange, well I thought “normal” people would think to themselves, “Who the fuck is that and why is she talking?” I don’t even know but my son came into my room about then and we watched it together and that’s when I knew something else. He was laughing so hard, and so was I, we were basically both in fucking hysterics over the video, not because it was bad though, but because it was fucking funny. I guess the whole Vegas bit was the funniest part, we played it over and over again about four times and each time we were both doubled over with laughter. That was a good time right there. Actually that type of laughter is what we’re all really looking for, just this absolute ridiculousness that shows some facet of our lives should and could be comical. One day you really do see that it’s all a joke, a joke that’s been played on you I might add, by your own mind.

I told my son, “I look old”, and he said, “No you don’t. You know you will be your worst critic.” I was like, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He said, “I think you’re beautiful”, so I was like in awe just thinking this about my own son, “Who are you really and how have you gotten here to grace my life in this profound way?” Then I played the video again, and we just laughed some more. Obviously it’s a skill set, you basically have to find your voice, whatever that is, in whatever way it wants to pop out. So we’ll see, I generally as a rule don’t even speak to most people I meet. I only observe, I can see patterns like a person is laying on a grid of some sort, which is pretty weird if you think about it. Ego is like this mask, and it has these layers to it, on the outside, there’s the social persona, which is basically what the rest of it hides behind so it can function in this strange ass fucking place we’ve created for ourselves. Of course, this is really all imagined. It’s all fabricated, but there’s some agreement too, that if you see it so do I which is how we all get fooled. We think if only I can see something it might not be there which is how kids always want to show us something but if two can see it, it’s definitely there, and really the whole structure is designed to be this way, it’s not a mistake, it’s a type of cohesion that’s required to keep us all from floating around through space without a home or a bed. And honestly this shell part is the most volatile, all the defenses of a person are on this top layer, so you have to tread lightly, you can’t just say anything. As a rule, I generally stay very gentle, which means I feel gentle inside and out. Being gentle, I don’t trip the triggers. In this way, what’s underneath is more likely to shine through this outer layer, which to be honest is the only layer I’d ever want to talk to or deal with.

Most people are really at a breaking point now I’d say. The pressures that were forced upon the outer shell just create havoc within, and trying to hold this pressure down, year after year, perhaps since childhood itself, makes people quite illogical and basically insane. I would say this is just a pattern in humanity itself almost like a huge wave along the lines of millions of people who being swept up in them, well most people crave a sense of belonging and if they have some sense that there’s no improvements happening to the world as a whole, as a safe, reliable, functioning sort of space, that’s when they might get swept up into the “wrong crowd” so to speak. Anger seeks out anger, it might be a sort of frequency, so that this angry one finds the other angry one, and then they can have an altercation where some of that pressure can be released. I mean usually they’ll both start yelling, that’s the first stage, mobs or angry crowds have been swept up in something more powerful, it’s not just two people on the same frequency anymore but hundreds, or perhaps even thousands. There’s an energy that surrounds them then, which makes sensible people possibly lose their marbles. That’s how I would never seek out a crowd, no crowd past a group of music lovers, all listening to the same melody would ever interest me. Music if it’s beautiful bypasses the outer layer, and really works on the inner ones, the heart is activated, people feel loving then. On some level, beautiful music reminds a person of what they are. They don’t know this of course, they just feel a shift in how they feel for a while. It actually moves the assemblage point a little, not enough to shift reality but to shift the feeling sense in a profound way basically towards a type of appreciation.

The thing about appreciation that everyone misses is you can’t produce it. You can’t just tell yourself, “Okay, I’ve heard that gratitude will help my life, or help me manifest”, and then tell yourself to be grateful. Appreciation is actually a type of shift, it’s an inner shift, that reminds you not that you have things you should be appreciating but that life is precious. It’s basically not about things, it’s not about what you have, but about what brings you joy or makes you remember that nothing lasts, so everything is already some sort of gift in time. I for instance won’t live in this house forever, in fact this house won’t last, it will decay, and eventually crumble, but right now it’s housing me and my two boys. It’s not even that I appreciate the house per se, but the movement of life that allowed us to reach this moment, and allowed us to experience living in a house, where we could make meals together and enjoy being with each other. We honestly forget that what’s important in life isn’t material gain but the things we love the most, which for me is just my family, and a few dogs. The moments they share with my own mind and imagination. But I can’t produce these feelings, because we can’t induce feelings, they either arrive or arise on their own or they aren’t there. So if you maybe make a gratitude journal and write, “I appreciate this cup of coffee” it’s pointless because you don’t. You can have ten cups of coffee today and it means nothing. You can’t trick your own mind into believing it’s a precious event or something and it will do nothing. It’s basically just bullshit. You want to believe you have some control, that you can dictate your whole life and for sure, even if you exercise some control over some things, let’s say you do, that’s called discipline, you basically force yourself to perform some task be it mental or physical at will, that’s possible, I force myself to keep working right now, and that has some benefits but that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about here is completely natural, it’s basically built into your make up but you don’t know this anymore because it’s buried. You have to uncover it first. You have to remove at least that first layer of persona I talked about already, the layer that contains all the defenses.

Getting rid of that layer is hard to do around people, mainly because other people not only distract us from what we’re doing if we have an inner practice we’re working on but because they continuously normalize the first layer, and subtly reinforce it, of course, they don’t know that’s what they are doing. You have to be very observant later on to detect this layer in everyone you come across, if only so you’ll know how to avoid activating it. That’s just a mess you don’t want to get sucked into but even if you say absolutely nothing to a person, some people’s personas can still be activated by literally nothing more than just looking at them. That’s how it’s good to own a dark pair of sunglasses, so no one can tell whether you’re looking at them or not. They can still feel it but they can’t actually link it to you so if they get activated and explode it won’t come in your direction.

You really have no idea, the level of irritation most people are operating from especially now. We’re seeing it from a lot of young people right now in the form of protests and violence. They think they are out there changing something but really they are just releasing pent up personal frustration and the group atmosphere seems to legitimize it for them. This way, since they don’t know themselves, don’t understand their own emotions or thoughts at all, that’d be a zero, they can use the idea that the government or social structure has caused it all. Of course, it hasn’t, it hasn’t helped but it hasn’t caused it all either, since it starts at home with the relationship with the parent or caregiver and whatever the early life situation was. I think it’s good to know that no matter what the social fabric is, whether it’s a good economy time or a bad one, there is no governmental agency or movement that can control the mass hypnotization of human beings and what that really entails. That’s the real reason that nothing can last, nothing can just keep climbing in wonderfulness. The ego will destroy it because mainly it has no appreciation, it simply uses up what it gets and always wants more. When it’s challenged by circumstances, the defenses to the whole self structure go on high alert, and if groups of people stay on this level for too long, you end up with violence either a war or civil unrest. It’s really a never ending cycle, after much destruction and pain, if it’s defeated it will lick it’s wounds and maybe learn to look within but if it succeeds in some social way the consequences are much worse, a single leader can basically tap into and take control of this force and amass an army that will just go around killing anyone and everyone who doesn’t bow down to it or serve it in some way. We have to face it, it can and does get ugly around here but instead of letting that scare you, maybe let it inspire you to look within so that you don’t contribute to the madness in some way, however small it is.

So yeah, I was thinking of posting the video I made with this writing. My son said I should do it. I just don’t know yet. I don’t think I should jump the gun there but then again, maybe that’s exactly what I should do, jump, jump across whatever fear I have that I’ll look stupid. We’re all stupid. That’s what you see and know and that doesn’t really change. You can’t live or be in this life without engaging this belief that something is happening, something important is going on, when it’s not. It doesn’t actually matter if I suck, maybe I should suck if I suck. I think so. I think okay, let’s suck then, how about we all suck, wouldn’t that actually be more fun than trying to achieve perfection? My son told me that there are young people now who are getting all these face surgeries to achieve some sort of face perfection. I was like, “They’re are?” And he was like, “Yeah, they want to look a certain way and all that happens is their faces get really fucked up.” I was like, “Wow, I didn’t even know that. That’s crazy as shit.” I remember when face lifts for old women were all the rage, of course, only rich people could afford it, like Madonna, how many surgeries has she had? Is it a type of deception? All the women who followed her or liked her stuff basically look old now, because that’s the age group I’m in. I loved Madonna, and right now she looks great, very young, very pretty still but was that what she wanted to achieve, eternal youth? Does the external shell of your body even mean all that much? I’m guessing in her circle maybe it does, maybe some youthful look is part of her identity, and she needs to keep looking young or youngish to function, to feel that she’s okay. Of course, you can’t keep that up forever, at some point, you will fall apart, that’s not exactly an option you can avoid forever. I’m not saying don’t try to stay youthful either, obviously do what you can there, you might as well. I always think if I wasn’t so tired from my job, just my seriously fucked up sleeping habits and just the time it consumes, I’d do a whole lot better. I want to anyway. I want to stay fit so I can one day walk around foreign cities to see all the sites there are to behold but I don’t just focus on that as if it was all there was to me either. And the physical may indeed be only a perceived projection, after all why can’t we look into our own eyes, we can only see out through them and have to use a mirror to put on a little eye make up? Yeah, I just don’t think it has to be one or the other, you can let things go and try to stay fit at the same time, but too much tension in either direction doesn’t avail us anything. Stressing over how we think we’re supposed to be and how we actually are is obviously a big problem for people, more so for women.

I did a little research into how many older women were successful on YouTube in any life changing way, and found out there were significantly less women in general on You Tube at all. The ones that had anything going on there were talking about how to look younger, how to dress younger, how to use make up so you seem more attractive than you really are, all kinds of weird bullshit, and of course, all types of videos on how to exercise when you’re older, physical fitness for the aging population. Yeah, I might look older but I don’t even feel old, so what about that? I got nothing to say here about age, age to me doesn’t really matter except in the sense that it lights a fire under your ass to maybe do whatever the fuck you want with your life. I’m not exactly sure if we really need other people to be successful or not, maybe the universe just supports what it does for whatever reason and that’s all there is to it but I don’t really think so. I think you have to cater to ego in some way, or no one wants to see it. You’re basically talking to this outer layer called the persona, and you have to use a persona to do it. But maybe that’s not what I’m talking to. I’m just trying to be real here which is all I can even really do now. It’s not that I don’t feel i can’t pretend to be something or someone else anymore, I just can’t do it. I am what I am I think and so what? What is the big deal with it? I don’t even want to be anything else. I think now how guru’s even came to be, they needed a role to play right, something that would at least take care of the physical needs in some way? So they made up a new persona, the sage or the enlightened guy, only to tell everyone they were no one. Of course, even in India back in the day if a woman did this or acted this way, they’d wind up in a sanitarium, not creating an ashram. Maybe there were a few exceptions but by and large, a woman couldn’t get away with it. And I think it’s still this way to a large extent, most women would rather listen to a man than another woman when it comes to getting any kind of advice. Isn’t that weird? Well, I’m not going to be giving any advice, probably not, the most I can do is say whatever comes up to say. That’s exactly how this writing works too. I don’t choose this stuff. To be honest, I don’t even really know how any of this comes out the way it does, no clue and don’t need to know either. If I do need to know something than that will come up, and I’ll look at it. A lot of videos now are just AI, people have AI write this perfect script for them then they become proficient reading a teleprompter and presenting it as if it was all just coming from off the top of their head. Most writing is exactly this now. The machine does it perfectly but have we ever? No, right? That’s how writers have always had editors who could sift through it all, taking out this part, changing up some other part, fixing all the typos and wrong adverb usages, and then presenting it as some perfect product of the human imagination. Just one thing, the actual imagination isn’t so tidy, it’s not made to be clean and sanitized, proper, acceptable across all boards, where we used to be allowed to have opinions and quirks of all kinds, now we seek to erase any trace of our own original packaging and leanings.

First we learned that sleeping happens from around 10 or 11 at night until 6 or 7 in the morning. That’s called normal but I don’t know what that is. I laid down tonight around midnight and then woke up at exactly 2:22 am and now it’s 6 in the morning. I don’t actually know if I should try to catch a few more sleep hours or just brew a cup of coffee. I can’t actually tell if I’m tired or not right now. Maybe there’s a little, but it could just be this knowing that seems it would be more normal to need more sleep, probably I’ll be tired later on when it’s not the right time for being that way. I seem to remember Jed talking about something like this in the books, how he never actually knew when he’d be sleeping or up since it was always changing. I think the only reason I adhere to any type of sleep schedule at all is because of the job. I need more rest when I go there. Being around the onslaught of other people basically requires it if I don’t want it to go completely south or bonkers in some way.

The other night I was tired there, and I was standing on a dead game just watching this large group of late twenty somethings. They were obviously impaired and I was watching the franticness that seemed to surround them. Then one of them noticed I was watching the group from a far and looked over at me like I was committing a fucking crime. Hostilely, she said, “Can I help you?” and I just shook my head no and looked away and didn’t look back. I could see her out of the corner of my eye but I made sure to look as if I couldn’t give a shit what they were doing because in reality I didn’t. Obviously I thought on some level she thought I was somehow judging them, and maybe I was. I was thinking, “What kind of level of confusion is going on here?”, or something like that. Just that’s what I think when I watch people, it’s like watching things that have no idea about anything, they have impulses, and inclinations and that’s what they follow. I think I was maybe wondering about how they needed to drink so much, the drama’s the drink was causing among them, and how no one knew anything about any of it. They think they are these characters but don’t see the stage they’re on. No one ever sees the stage. Everything is real, and dire, it all matters, what he said matters, what she thinks matters, and how it all works out is vital to the ongoing story but here they are this group of about ten or so, they obviously planned to meet each other in the casino, to do what? To have a good time, but now it had gone horribly wrong, several of them had drank too much booze, perhaps said shit, caused some rift or pain, there was confusion like how could something that was planned with the best of intentions, just to enjoy each other have turned out like this, horribly wrong? Yeah, that’s just how it goes I was thinking, just how it goes and you poor girl, you want to ask if you can help me? Fuck, you have no clue what you’re in for here in this life, no fucking clue, but have fun with that because if you think this is trouble, you’d be sorely mistaken. This is just the beginning and you have no fucking clue how it is but welcome, to your life.

So yeah, it’s strange but it’s also fine. I keep one thought and it’s always with me. What is it? I am the one consciousness, or just I am. If no one can actually know more than this is true, what else is there to think about? Well, quite a lot actually, right? You’re still living a life, probably that’s something to think about, there’s places to see, maybe that’s something to think about, something like, “Hmmn, I wonder what it’s like over there?” Sometimes I think, “I wonder what the dog is up to about now?” That’s usually a good one, just need to check in there and make sure all the shoes are accounted for or up out of reach. Is it funny how that one just popped because I got up from this and looked and found her by the back door, she needed to go out. Lucky? Or something else? Knowing what you need to know when you need to know it? But what is the one thing you could really know that I could tell you? The one thing that I’ve learned to rely on more than any other one. What is that? What would it be?

I think it’s this: if you want to know what you really are, basically just ask, and keep asking. Just keep saying this either out loud or to yourself in your own head and quite frankly, both, try it both ways, do it both ways, do this all the time, yes, you will get distracted, other things will come up to focus on, maybe it’s the money, or maybe it’s the other people, the car, the house, even the dog, or the kids or the yard for crying out loud, the job, the body even, the fact that your feet hurt or your back hurts or maybe, you’ve got an idea that won’t leave you alone, maybe you’re reading books, maybe YouTube has got you, or Tik Tok, or here’s one that’s got almost everyone right now, the News, the wars, or how about your past, what went wrong or what went right, all that shit, your parents, the country you’re from, well you get the idea, it will all come up, it will be there, and still ask, and keep asking because you know what? It will work. It’s the only thing that does, just ask, don’t stop asking until it answers you because it will answer you. It has to, your mind can go off in a million and twenty directions, but if you ask enough, if you reach a certain threshold of intensity and asking, I’m sure it will answer you and then you will know. That’s actually the easy part, adjusting to what you know is where it gets dicey because it will be the biggest shift you’ve ever made, if you think moving overseas or having a kid was difficult, this is more involved, because it means revising the entire fucking story. It means never actually saying this is that, the way you thought it was, ever again. Things are different now, even when you think you know, you might not actually know, that’s kind of weird, right? And it’s just another rabbit hole, you’re falling down the rabbit hole, but you don’t get to stop now.

In the broadest sense of all this writing and just living is one fundamental element. It’s called interpretation. How you interpret what you are currently experiencing is fundamental to changing the course of your life. For instance, you might if you’re like a lot of people, interpret what’s going on in the world or on a social level right now as threatening. You interpret it as threatening to your current way of life but what you fail to see, is life doesn’t need to remain stable. In fact, what we usually call stability is usually a form of stagnation, nothing else. You like it this way because it feels safe or at least safer than just drifting on the wings of awareness to who knows what and where. Most people want to know what to expect, they like it best when they know what the day might bring, they don’t actually want any surprises and yet, surprise is the spice of life, the art of not knowing what next week might look like might actually open up currents of awareness you didn’t even know you had within you. Everything is actually within you, that’s the greatest hurtle and yet the greatest gift right there, to see that your experience is not dependent upon anything more than your internal interpretation of your own life and what you think this entails. The fact that we are bombarded from all sides with the interpretations of others, interpretations that are in fact called “normal.” “Normal” is presented to us as “ideal” and is, in fact, irrelevant. That’s saying this: It doesn’t mean anything, zero, nothing, not even a factor. So that’s a pretty eye opening idea right there, don’t you think? Going the other way, in another direction is being bombarded with what we all might call, “abnormal”. War for instance might be seen as “abnormal”, of course, it’s not, it’s well within the range of the human experience at any time. If it wasn’t the history books wouldn’t be full of its tales of destruction. Most beings try to position themselves up closer to normal and then you’ve got the ones who veer in the other direction. It’s all really dependent on what your own parents drilled into you, you’ll basically take on their ideals and also their mode of life. You might not think you have but thinking otherwise just doesn’t mean as much as you think it does either. I’ll tell you the patterns are there, period.

Of course, waking up, seeing something so abnormal as to warrant a complete and utter shift in awareness is what breaks the camels back, so to speak. You can no longer settle for what you knew, but what you don’t know yet, might not have actually arrived in its full force yet either. These are the years of adjustment if you’re lucky and so inclined. Many people are often more apt to explain away their own experiences and go back to what they know. It’s simply too difficult to do an about shift at this point in their life. Anyone who has any type of workable, not too difficult life or lifestyle falls into this category. And then there are the other one’s myself included, where one’s interest and investigation never fucking wanes as evidenced by this decades long dive into just about everything my mind could come up with to look at more deeply. Ego resists, it comes back online for everyone, and eventually, through much focus, starts to die out. It loses its tensions, but it doesn’t disappear completely as so many like to profess it does. They only think they can say that because life for them just never becomes too terribly uncomfortable and that’s not the journey I’m talking about. I’m talking about a complete and utter revamp, a taking of one’s old ego to the edge again and again through some pretty extreme mental measures that are almost dangerous. It’s possible you might go insane, but hopefully you don’t. The absolute futility of fighting all the shit you’ll have to witness and experience on this journey, usually makes you just a kind of weird person who doesn’t say much and definitely doesn’t get involved with the business of other people so that’s helpful since when you leave the illusion alone, it also leaves you alone, for the most part. This makes life infinitely more pleasurable so you are able to withstand the utter low points of really being no one of any significance inside. You’re something but no longer that, which is how you won’t mess with it.

When the damn you’ve been picking at, you’ve been tap, tap, tapping with little pointy instruments, probably you can’t afford a bulldozer so you’re stuck with tiny little chisels, scraping off this insecurity, a vein that’s similar to a vein of gold that winds its way through an entire mountain side which is your own mind, yeah, that’s going to take a while. Sometimes the view of the vein disappears, so satisfied that you got it all, you pack up and back out of all the shafts and dark tunnels only to find yourself right back where you left off, a few inches back out of view, it was still going. You didn’t get it all, and leaving anything behind doesn’t really avail you anything, you have to get rid of the whole strand or you haven’t freed yourself of it. Every strand has an importance and pattern to it, that often plays with no conscious awareness for many years, but if it’s not being fed the usual ideas, it gets a little salty and that’s when you finally find out some part of it is still there coloring your world. The very act of disappointment must be vanquished completely if you ask me. You need an iron will, and the crazy part is you used to have one, this is all shit that was working perfectly when you got here and only got fucked up later on by being told lies for your entire life. Everyone you meet is basically a liar, beholden to ideas that don’t work, and they will literally defend them till the end even unto death if need be. Maybe think about that, when you want to befriend someone. The corruption is basically the world you see and all the ways humans have learned to live. I think on some level you will have to compromise, just go along with some things, even when you know you really don’t have to but at least now it’s a conscious choice that you can change any time the cost of keeping it gets too high.

When you can walk across a battlefield littered with the corpses of dead bodies, young and old alike, and just shake your head and maybe chuckle at least a little I’d say you’re getting close. Nothing changes here. It’s not going to. Humans are not evolving. Dogs are really the closet thing to heaven but don’t worry, the algorithm isn’t real. Nothing is. It never will be but that doesn’t mean it’s nothing. It’s still your life and that should mean something, not just for me, but for all of it, everyone, and everything.