Only the River Knows

I guess I’m excited now, like yeah, really excited but in a different way, probably not the way you think of when you hear that word “excited.” I actually think “excited” sort of gets a bad rap as far as emotions go, for instance, some parents will do everything they can think of to keep their children calm. Excited is the last thing they want because in their minds it’s actually synonymous with chaos or being out of control. This is no different than the whole quiet your mind sit in meditation movement, it actually stems from this very idea. This equates to a certain type of inner fear that most people walk around with, that’s how most people think it’s not good to get too excited about anything before you know for sure how something will go. The idea is you’re better off holding back but if you can look cool whist doing this that’s ideal, never forget about the image you’re emitting I guess, but that’s not the “excited” I’m talking about. I think as children our true excitement for life or just being alive gets stomped out of us. We either wind up disappointed because we didn’t get what we wanted, we are told no so repeatedly that no becomes an inner movement and worse, our excitement was maybe taken as a form of disobedience and we suffered the consequences of this one too many times. So yeah, these days, not too many people are prone to be excited about anything much less life, but I am. I’m going with it. I figure since there’s nothing to lose anymore I might as well go with whatever is coming up and it’s that. Mainly I just start to really wonder about things, and I think, “What is this life, this one, the one I have, really for?” I truly believe that each of us has a divine gift to share, the world needs all of us to discover our unique talent and yes our gift can only be life enhancing, not just for ourselves but for whomever we encounter, there’s no divine gift for harm or hatred, not in any form, it just doesn’t exist, but the true gifts do, and no one is ever left out of that loop, not even one person. It’s true, there are many who will never find theirs, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Most people think they can’t know this, there’s nothing in their experience that says this is it. Mainly because the excitement they might have felt doesn’t arise anymore so there’s no indication. Do what you love should produce a type of excitement, not just a longing to do it, maybe again and again, but a solid impulse that feels spot on and right for you. Humans sadly are led to believe that their own dreams and the happiness that would be produced or even maintained by following them is out of reach. The problem may be that we learn to seek approval, not only from those around us but from the world at large, you learn that if you are good enough, you’ll be recognized for it and riches will follow. We learn that it is not enough to just do something because it makes you happy. Your own impulse to do it is no longer enough, but what if it is? And what if you could get it back, some knowing, that what you love doing is the right thing for you whether or not anyone else alive ever sees it much less visibly expresses some appreciation for it? Can it be enough if you love it? It should be right? Your own inner knowing should be all you ever need. I will say this however if your own love for anything directly or indirectly involves the equation of reducing other people or causes suffering to other lives then it’s not an authentic type of life purpose. I think when you have accessed the true layer where your purpose lies, it’s out of the realm of daily causation. You’re not trying to climb a hill by stepping on or over anyone or anything else, there’s no peak to attain, it’s simply your joy filled space and activity. There’s a communion then with awareness itself, because at the heart of life is goodness. It’s only human dementia that brings harm into this realm, we create it, it’s not thrust upon us, it’s not a lesson in wisdom, although if you act out in harmful ways you might learn the consequences of that fit the actions since you’ve now brought on your own suffering, just if I go around talking about how bad it all is, I’ll experience this myself because I believe it’s true, it’s real, and then I bring this down on my own head. I’ll see it in my own life. We have no idea usually how this is happening, but it does. We are creators and our beliefs determine what it is we think we’re looking at. The reflection never lies.

I’m not going to talk here about all the things that a person might love to do, something that is intrinsic to them, because that could be anything. Due to the creative nature of existence, a life might produce almost anything, but it does not always produce an inner knowing of sheer joy for what it is doing. Obviously, I know what my thing is because I’m always doing it and you’re looking at it right now but for some it may not be creative in the sense that explorative writing is. It might for instance be gardening or knitting which is something my mother does. It might just be taking care of your children or tending to someone who needs some tending to or even just taking care of yourself. The minute we put any parameter or definitive on it, it usually fades from view so let’s not do that. The gifts we come with, that are encoded within our personal make up somewhere, perhaps buried deep beneath the veneer of daily life as we’ve come to know it, are infinite. There’s not going to be a stop point for something like this but how do you know what yours is? How do you uncover it or is it already here, you simply haven’t recognized that it is?

The thing I rely on the most here isn’t what I think should happen. Instead I’m somehow acutely aware of what actually does and also just as significantly what doesn’t. Most of us have lost this ability to pay attention to what is actually occurring or arising not only around us but within us. What is that stuff that is within us? It’s a pattern of sorts but sometimes there’s a lot right? We call this being overwhelmed. It’s not that we don’t know, it’s that we know too much. Our minds are full of information and it feels like there’s a lot there, too much usually, so much so that we don’t actually know if we can carry it around much longer. That’s when your life starts to feel too heavy, too cumbersome even. We walk around all day long now, knowing this, and then that, we know so much that what we might really want to know isn’t even within reach anymore or so we sometimes imagine. We still feel it though, because we’re always feeling something, something is still there inside of us, there’s a longing that never totally vanishes completely, it may disappear for a moment or even days, but we always somehow find our way back to this strange place inside that tells us that we’re missing something, something isn’t working right, some facet of ourselves is perhaps being held down, maybe we’re shy or we feel we have to hold back, and then we are constantly judging and restraining to fit ourselves into some idea of what we think our life should look like. Of course, it doesn’t look like it, it never has, even if we still maybe wish it would contort itself in some perfect way, we want it to be neat, reliable, and above all stable. There should be something about us that doesn’t have to just keep on guessing about everything. It’s like we’re lost in some infinite ocean of possibilities but there’s no rudder, nothing to steer with, and yet there is, there is such a thing. I call it the missing piece of the puzzle, what to do? It will tell you. What exactly is the “it” I speak of? I don’t really know, it could be a facet of imagination, what imagination uses to produce all this, our reality. Do I just imagine it then? Yes, that may be the only way to release it, to grok it so to speak, is to experience it again and again and just like everything else in our lives, come to feel it is as real as anything else.

If there were not some type of inner impulses, inner navigation, no one would ever get up in the morning, we’d all just stop, but the fact that this never happens, has never happened in the whole history of the world, tells us there’s something there that never actually goes away. No matter what happens in the world of form, whether there are wars or atrocities, the human spirit endures. This thing that moves us never dies, maybe we die, maybe lots of us die, whole demographics of humans can perish, but if we do it’s still present in the world which tells us it’s always here, it’s a part of the design, and we don’t exist without it, maybe nothing does.

So yeah, that was a lot already, just reading this might feel like too much, I noticed a sentence above that went on for what on this page was seven lines, no periods, just comma breaks, but nothing to actually stop the flow of words. You might think I’m trying to tell you something here with all this, but if I am, I’d have no idea what it would be. That’s just the way it goes here. If you are reading any of this then it’s up to you to figure out whether any of it is useful because I have no idea. My feeling is always on the other side, and usually says, probably not. I don’t think I can ever explain what I’ve seen to anyone. I don’t think I ever will, no one ever has. On your side of things, I know I may not be making any sense at all but I can’t help that either. I just happen to be okay with this, I’ve seen what all the human “sense” has done or is doing and so that doesn’t appeal to me. I’m sure it made perfect sense to start a war in the minds of those who started it but that’s not my type of sense making. It actually makes no sense the way humans have learned to live and the sooner we figure out how all our so called “sense” has actually fucked us the better it will be.

I’ve come to understand a few things much more deeply lately. The most important is that fear being a feature of this realm doesn’t let go without a fight but even this is not the type of fight you’d be familiar with. It has to do with which can hold out the longest, your actual knowing, or the world that tries to rob you of it. You see if you try to bring this into the same tired worn out ways that everyone knows, it’s a slippery slope right back to where you started, not with the prize of understanding in hand but with having succumbed to what is easier, going along to get along. The type of tenacity required to stay true to yourself takes on a different participation in that it’s not a sometimes this or a sometimes that. You have to choose because you can’t have it both ways. You can never say I’ll take a little of this while holding onto to a little of that. It’s one or the other, there is no other option. If you choose both you lose all of it because quite frankly, there is no saving yourself without radical ongoing sanity, no part of the old self, who and what you thought you were, can remain if you want to be free. This seems dangerous, especially to the ego, and there’s no amount of logic which can rationally explain how it has to be this way, the ego will just not accept it and there’s no upside either, not from here. If there is an upside, you won’t be able to see it from where you are when you choose. That’s really what the ledge analogy is talking about, when you jump over that edge or accidentally trip and fall (I think that’s most common, those who do just jump either don’t know they are jumping or think they are doing something else, they probably think there’s a big blow up pillow down below that will save them) there is no return trip. There’s no coming back from it, once the descent has begun you are beholden to it. If you think that’s a process, it kind of is, but then again not really. At that point, the time for directions is over, no more right or left turns, just falling until you make your way through the long deep dark tunnel that you knew by the name of “myself”. I think now, no wonder the first ever piece of writing to show up here was about a tunnel, it was showing me the travel itinerary.

Let me tell you, that whole thing is no fun. It’s only sprinkled with little graces, because otherwise you’d break, you’d completely fall apart and lose whatever survival mechanisms were still operating. Many have gone the way of homelessness, and even death, you don’t hear about them because they either died or just found some sort of safe haven like a monastery to hole up in for the remainder. That’s not actually a bad way to go, since you need nothing and nothing needs you but then there are other ways too. Probably there are a lot of ways, we only hear about a few of them because the idea of holiness is a strong incentive to attract followers, but even that is really a farce. All the great teachers were just doing what they had to do, it wasn’t a sign of some specialness or some benevolence that descended into them. It works the same for anyone who makes the trip. It doesn’t make you somebody cool, it actually makes you what you are, which is a very different sort of thing. You’re still something but it’s not that, the person basically gets whittled down to nothing, but as it does something happens, as you disappear so does everything else, basically you lose the shell that housed what you always were. Time, and physical reality also melts away leaving what most just call love, but is this common word any type of description? Not really, you have to go back out to wordlessness, so you can’t actually say anything at all, except that you’re still talking, or here, there’s still writing, flowing like a river because now you’re more like the river.

If you took a cup of water out of the river, let’s say, maybe in this park, right here by this rock, you’d be able to say, this is some water that I pulled out of this exact spot of the river with this cup so now it’s in this cup, look you can see the liquid, it’s maybe a dirty green or dusty blue, or however it looks. Once you’ve taken the water out of the river and put it into some cup, is it still moving? Is it flowing along with the current anymore? No, right? That’s what the identity riddled with fear becomes, a container which houses what you are, but without the river, what are you? You’re all alone, in this cup, so what does everyone do, they fortify the cup’s walls right? They don’t want to spill out and lose some more of what they are, they’ve lost the river already, what else might happen to them? Now no one ever remembers the river, they think, oh no, I don’t want to jump in that. If you threw this substance we’re calling water back into the river what could you say about it, except it’s become a part of this river again? Since the river is flowing you can’t say where it is or what it looks like, you can point to the river now but that’s about it. You can’t point to that cup of water ever again, you’ll never be able to because it’s gone, it’s merged with all the other water, and who knows how much it’s spread out, maybe some of it spilled out, the ground absorbed it or the sun came out and it evaporated into whatever water evaporates into, some tiny molecules of water wind up in a cloud that travels to another place, the water doesn’t stay together, you can never scoop out that same cup of water, it isn’t possible, but you know it still exists as something somewhere somehow. Let’s just say this, there is one river, and the whole world over is it, even if they think they are separated cups of water but that’s not the end all either.

While so many are sitting in meditation trying to quiet their minds, some are trying to open it up, the mind wants to go where it wants to go, if we push this impulse down, then it starts to malfunction and go sideways. I truly believe if each child or person were allowed to develop naturally, we would all follow the path of our highest good. This isn’t a self aggrandizing state or motivation, but one that includes the well being of all. There’s a unique expression within each person born that wishes to be let loose upon the world. It is only when we strip the children of this dignity by forcing them in some other direction perhaps a “practical one” whatever that means to us, that it loses its direction, a direction that is natural to it. When you wake up this direction just naturally returns, you tap right back into it because it was always inside of you somewhere. Only the river knows where it’s going, you can only know where that is when you get there. You wake up somewhere and then exclaim, “Oh so this is where it was going, yeah, I was totally clueless there. I thought I was going to wind up over there but I guess not.” Pretty sneaky actually. I guess you have to allow life her mystery.

It’s strange for sure. Every time I’m convinced of my own doom, “This is it, it’s definitely falling apart this time, I just can’t hold it, I’m not strong enough or wise enough to make it through, it’s got me now, I’ve failed to contain it again”, something comes to my rescue. I swear it happens like clockwork, and yet there’s always that little fear that things might not work out, something catastrophic might happen, like it almost seems it’s time, there is no getting through everything is there? The tendency is to blame yourself, why weren’t you smarter? You could have been better than you might have prepared, you might have seen this coming, no? It seems that things are really cracking lately, but are they or is this just some more belief? Why do the news stations want us to believe in a story of the world that doesn’t work? There was a time when we used to get other stories, stories of triumph and opportunity were just the norm, but now not so much, have we worn out our welcome on earth or is it only more imagination? You have to find out for yourself, nothing I tell you can convince only your own experience can convince you of anything, it is not enough to just talk about anything. Yes, we will die one day, but should we die without having first discovered our own truth? Why do we take anyone’s word as final on anything? Why do we need help discerning? Shouldn’t we be able to do it ourselves, to take stock of our own beliefs and assumptions, taking time out to investigate our worlds? Or does the world we imagine have us too busy now? We’re running from here to there and from this to that so non stop in this modern age we’ve forgotten what it means to just rest, to sit doing nothing at all, is this not allowed anymore or is it just our own minds that constantly urge us on, to do more, to be more? Have we ever succeeded in being other than what we are? Or does it simply continue to follow us into the next frame of the movie? When will we believe in the miracle, in the sanctity of life again? You probably think I’m asking you these questions but I’m not, I’m probably just asking them of myself. I extract it all out of some word space in my consciousness, and when I write I can read it. I can look again and again at my own questions, my own movements of mind. It’s not enough to end your mind, we are meant to transform it so instead of always dragging us down into some ordinary understanding of life, we create a different movement, which works differently. Life should always be like the flow of a river, there you are just cruising along from birth to death, there didn’t have to be suffering, but once we learn it, or are exposed to it as children, breaking out of the pattern is the ultimate act of rebellion.

The images of enlightenment always depict some passive figure like a ghost walking amongst the ashes of its life. Maybe we think that’s all we’ll wind up doing, just silently walking through the rubbles of this world, invisible, undetected, and for sure that’s not all wrong either since there are many troubles that might find you when you are visible to a crowd. Even ordinary otherwise well balanced good people when pressed too far join the violent movements they sometimes come in contact with, and you don’t want to be a part of that. Whether those are just shadows left inside of you seems to be the question, is the world your reflection or are you but one reflective surface gliding through many other ones? What can be reflected then? Do you become a type of deflection, a reflection with a type of boomerang effect, so that things that were once received instead bounce off and away, never to venture back in your field of awareness?

I sometimes muse there are few who could live my life. I think it would break even the hardiest soul or the most physically strong person in a matter of weeks. Let’s just say it seems like I’m doing a lot, but on some other level, it’s also nothing at all and mostly enjoyable. Maybe I’m just swinging on some rope of mind still, it takes me up to one side, and then I pendular swing back through the muck only to reach some height on the opposite side, and back and forth I go. At the top of the swing, what is there? Do you just let go and start falling again? Or do I swing back through and over to the other side again? Is there really any getting off this ride or is this ride what life is for? Is experience itself king? Don’t we just move from one experience to the next anyway? Why would we want to stop that? What would I do then, just die? Is life really in the stillness between thoughts or in the movements? Could the idea of stillness be a cop out? A sort of I can’t handle these movements anymore, life is too much, too active, I need to slow it down. I need to conserve my energy. Or are we meant to expend this energy we are, use it up so completely there’s absolutely nothing left in the end, maybe that means we really lived, we spent it all, every last charged molecule was fired upon and discharged.

On that thought, I’ll end this one.