The Hole That Wasn't A Hole

Damn, if you really stop to think about it, there is so much to experience here, just think about all the books you might read or all the stories you might hear. It’s a lot right? It’s more like endless entertainment if it’s viewed this way. I watched the news this morning, well I usually take a peek at Democracy Now which is a youtube channel and nothing new there. I don’t have to wonder how this stuff gets spotlighted, but for some reason I’m fascinated by the insanity of humans, both political or otherwise. I think I watch it and then think, “What kind of life would have had to transpire for you to be a part of that?” Or “How do you become convinced of your own rightness to the point of destroying what you are interpreting as someone else’s wrongness?” Over and over again, I come to the same conclusion, and that’s that, “Any dream will do”. There’s a song by that name by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The history of it is pretty interesting because I guess it’s about Joseph in the Bible. First off this guy is always dreaming, he first dreams that he wants to be important and have his brothers bow down to him, then life really throws him a curve ball, his brother’s instead betray him and he’s sold into slavery (sound familiar? Most of the human race?), so he suffers for many years, and eventually, he draws back the curtain, and sees that the world is weeping, and sleeping. It’s so totally fascinating and wild to me, that all around us, just in our everyday lives, the songs we hear, the movies we watch at least to my mind can all be seen or deduced to be clues to the discovery of our ultimate reality.

It’s like when you grow up you become a slave to your mind, to whatever ideas get introduced or embedded in your thinking, and really you do dream of some type of importance. You want others to think highly of you, or maybe even worship you, you’re basically desperate to have someone validate your worth in some way, but instead of that, you’re thrown into some chaotic mix of a life that just betrays you again and again, basically you wander through life trying to get someone to give a shit about you, and instead of getting that you just get thrown away again and again. I guess what you don’t realize at that stage is that the reflection is an exact inversion of your own desires. If you want love, the inversion gives you a dose of hate or rejection because what’s inside doesn’t love itself, that’s how you desire love to begin with, you don’t feel you have it so you think you have to go out and find some but that’s not how it works since there’s nothing out there, it’s all just the reflection. There’s a hole in you where it could be but it isn’t there, not yet anyway, if it was you’d already see it, over there and over here and wherever you looked. So the reflection is really just mirroring your inner states. It’s the same with money, you feel poor so you work, but the work doesn’t make you rich it just makes you tired. You never realize that you’ve just succumbed to the reflection of poverty. You’re not poor because there’s no actual money, even money is given on a reflection basis. This is the absolute hardest concept to get out of your mind. Shit, I’m still struggling with that one, but I see signs of relief there finally. Yeah, I see things that I can’t actually believe I’m seeing. I think now in some way this really is some magical type of place, and what, no one knows it? What a waste of imagination, just a hellish garbage dump there. It’s like we’re taking this virtual miracle and instead of treasuring it, we’re turning it into a fucking meat grinder of war smashed bodies and a morass of confused, lonely hearted people looking for anything to put into that hole even if it actually just serves to clog it up even more and obscures its true depth for even five fucking minutes.

So what really is that hole and why can’t you fill it? For one, it’s not an actual hole but a corridor, a path, an energetic current even, but something needs to flow out of it. You don’t put anything in it, it’s the opposite, you have to let something flow out of it. For me, it’s this writing, a person needs a creative outpouring. My daughter’s is cooking, she loves to experiment in the kitchen with vegan recipes now, and to be fair, she’s getting the hang of it, that vegan pumpkin muffin I ate this morning was pretty darn tasty. There’s also a big tupperware of vegan ten or was it 13? Okay some number of beans soup with spinach, vegan chorizo, and not sure what else but very good as well, and just good thing for me, because without all her explorations my stomach stays a little empty these days since food was never my thing or was it? Do I forget? I used to be bulimic when I was in my teens and early twenties. I didn’t want to eat because I didn’t want to get fat but then I’d get hungry and eat anyway. Then after I ate anything at all, I’d just think fuck it, I’ll eat whatever I want and just throw it up when I’m done. Was I just trying to fill the hole, some bottomless pit of emptiness that pervaded my life back then? God, what a nightmare that was, I never felt good. I could never even enjoy a meal out unless they had a proper bathroom I might use to get rid of it because if I waited until I got home, how many calories might I have absorbed by then? I didn’t want to know so I didn’t eat out much. Most bathrooms weren’t set up for it, since they weren’t private, too many stalls, and someone might hear you gagging it all up. Yeah, not exactly a quiet sort of activity, but I actually learned to do it more quietly than it might have been. Of course, if the hole doesn’t want to be filled what can you do? No you don’t fill the hole, you hollow it out, that explains all the purging I did. I was putting food in the hole but the hole was rejecting it. Was it because the food was pleasure seeking, comfort seeking, that it went into this hole to begin with? Yeah, I don’t eat for pleasure these days, just necessity. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy good food, I do, believe me I’ve become very selective, but I don’t eat it to fill up the hole. I guess I have to keep that whole channel open now, so nothing goes in it, it can’t be blocked, but open. That’s where the whole flow of life emanates from. Shit, who knew? They told me I was sick, even diseased but I wasn’t. By the time I was in my forties that whole activity had merely mostly ceased on its own. It had basically decreased on its own but looking back, after my first time through “The Presence Process” it was totally gone. This is really the first time I’m even remembering all this. I guess because it ties into the hole that needs something to flow out of it. Maybe in childhood it gets blocked or clogged with fear, oh all those fears we have when we are young, who we’ll be, what we’ll do, who will love us, and all that. Do our parent’s reject us first? Isn’t that where we get our own reflections from? We inherit them from those that are reflecting us. Shit, what was in their holes? War? Famines? Religious persecution? Abject poverty and war torn country conditions? Bombs, and soldiers? And then America, fashion, upward mobility, the promise of prosperity led to bad marriages, unhappy children, infidelity, hell my parent’s reflections probably sucked, just a couple of trauma bombs there. Why did the Europeans even come to America? Or Canada? It promised to fill those holes but it didn’t deliver. Instead it just stuffed the holes full of more shit, damn, no wonder everyone is so fat over here their holes aren’t just full, their extended, they can’t even fit anything else into them, but that doesn’t stop them from trying to I guess. Everyone thinks it’s about the food, and there’s some truth to that but it isn’t the whole story, because underlying anything is just energy, energetic configurations. I saw that for myself. Some lines were open, lit, but most were closed. I didn’t see my own so who knows what mine looked like. You can’t stand outside and see into your own configuration, the only way to do that is to enter it first. Go inside, look around, and find out what’s in there.

Energy that is subjected to friction or put into a holding pattern continues to use up energy. You need more energy to resist than you do to allow. If your energy is going into resisting anything, then there’s less available energy to use for something else, maybe something wonderful. I’m not saying this is a conscious type of thing, something you decide on, no this is all just under the hood, like an involuntary intelligence system that is either flowing or being restrained in some way. Of course, as the system is now, we restrain children. There was a time you could even see some parents walking around with their little children on a leash. Maybe the original idea was to give them a little more freedom while simultaneously ensuring they wouldn’t get lost or snatched away by some child napper but luckily I think parents faced some backlash with that whole restraining system. Even so, that’s just one example of a visible restraining system, the ones you can’t see are the ones that actually trap you, sometimes for years. At any rate, it doesn’t much matter how you were raised or who raised you, no one gets a free ride when it comes to the configuration. You will have to free yourself or you won’t be free. There is no other way than doing it for yourself by yourself.

So I think now, my bulimia was not about some malfunction, because purging isn’t about resistance, it’s about a system that says, this can’t stay here, it must go. If anything then it was a system that was trying to rebalance itself, to remove shit from the hole that was clogging up the entire life experience. Hell, maybe it served it’s purpose then. That was a rough way to go, but it still worked. Resistance by comparison is already a type of compromise, you know you don’t like it but you’re not yet to the point of total rejection or going without it completely. I was. I was already purging the entire system in the only way I knew how. That wasn’t an eating disorder, that was a system preserving what was still left of it, a system that refused to be clogged, and maybe trying to open the channel back up. Somehow my mind back then associated food with filling the hole that wasn’t meant to be filled but excavated. While most people were off the charts obsessed with the display of eating out, this signaling of sociability, even if that meant layering the hole with more stuff, more food, food as a signal for prosperity or status, I was outright rejecting it. My hole would not receive more shit into it. Maybe it was already too full, I could feel that, actually back then I think I could feel everything. I was so sensitive even the smallest insult or slight could cut me to the quick so to speak, but what was the other way? To just continue to shove stuff over this sensitive organ, to shut it off even? I think we can see where that has led us, not looking so happy now is it? The result of that is sickness, over consumption, ever demanding more for a system that needed less to function properly.

Well, that’s all so interesting to me. I see now how even that was setting me up, teaching me or instilling in my body the actual purging evacuation cycle that I would eventually need to rid myself of the false structures so I might reclaim my own life. I came across a video the other day on something called TRE, short for Trauma Releasing Exercise. I thought I probably had more in the way of so called traumatic events than most people have in twenty lifetimes so I decided to see what it could do and was pleasantly surprised. I’d explain but why should I when you can just look it up if you want to know what it is? Yeah, I can’t think of a reason but the first night I did it, I slept the whole night without waking up three or four times like I usually do, and I could tell that the way my body felt later in the day, something was registering a change. It was subtle, not super dramatic but it was there. The most obvious thing was like some type of internal buzzing energy that felt more pleasant than my resting state usually does. Beyond this my feet seemed to move more smoothly as I walked, just there was something, not confidence, most confidence is false anyway, something deeper than that, maybe it was just the body’s inherent trust in life itself that seemed to bubble up a little more. I think on some level being in the flow is not what you think, but how you move. You can know exactly what’s going on and why and still be stuck. It’s not that your understanding is wrong per se although you can’t actually say any of them no matter who’s speaking is totally “right”, there’s no such thing as voicing some sort of definition of anything in life if you ask me, but as long as your own understanding works for you, because you understand it the way you do, that’s enough of an understanding. I’ve obviously spent a lot of time in the understanding camp but not as much in the actual moving camp mainly because of this understanding camp, for me circumstances didn’t tell me it was time for it. Mainly I was still nose deep in the belief that money was my issue in that it wasn’t showing up even if it was. It was showing up to the extent that I needed it to but I think I’m very close to breaking through that obstacle because now I need something else but we’ll see. I don’t pretend to know anything for sure or have any knowledge of what we’d all call future events, or developments.

What is this hole I speak of? The worm hole, you clear out the debris that covers the opening, you go in, travel its breadth and length, and eventually pop out the other end. What you discover then is you are right back where you started. You look around then but now you know where you are, what you can really do, and you start living again. That should actually be the goal of any life. Not know thyself but rid yourself of this phantom imposter self, so you can access what is, what always was, your one true path, what you really came to do and experience which is not the same as what you learned to do. These two things are basically diametrically opposed to each other, which accounts for all the anxiety so many feel. Something’s not right, you feel it, but are you brave enough to dismantle it? If not, the universe will dismantle itself of it, that’s really what we’re seeing right now, exciting times then, no? Did you want shit to stay the way it was? Do you want the life you were sold to be true? Probably in the end it doesn’t matter so much what you want but what life wants of you. When you flow with that you don’t have any contradictions anymore. You might think, shit why didn’t I get what I wanted then? Shouldn’t what I want and what the universe wants be the same thing? Yes, of course, they are but if you learn wrong you learn to value the wrong things, and therefore want the wrong things. You think if I get that it means this, maybe “I’ve made it” but no one’s making anything the way you think. The whole production is really just in your own mind so whether you make something or not in there isn’t the issue, it’s the journey that matters, not the end result of said journey and whether you achieve anything.

Yesterday was my oldest son’s birthday. I got him a few gifts and we had a pleasant day here. We had a cake just a smaller one since no one around here is eating that much cake anymore. It was just the symbolism that mattered. He made a wish and blew out the candles after we all sang happy birthday. My main gift is always my letter. How that flows out at just the right time is pretty amazing since it’s not like I have to sit here and think it up or something. That is really what flows out of my inner hole, I think I just didn’t think it was enough but now I do. I’m writing like I don’t care these days, which is exactly how the flow works. It’s not going to fit into some box the world made up that’s for sure. I don’t need anyone to appreciate it, my own appreciation for this is finally enough as well. Personally I don’t think anyone needs to “get me” or even understand the shit I write here. It’s not your process, just mine. I only really share it because it shows the process not because I’m telling truths or something. You can’t have my truth and I can’t have yours, that would not be a good thing if you ask me. A lot of systems try to do that with their own “truths”, and it backfires spectacularly by making for a lot of confusion among all the participants. Everyone walks around then thinking they know what or why the other participators are there and it’s not like that. The whole time they are just assuming some kind of symmetry which isn’t really there, not because we are so different but because each path is unique in it’s own way like it should be.

Anytime you try to infringe on another’s path, it basically just redirects your own, which is a good joke in some strange way. It’s like the soldier who walks around town with a gun scaring all the peaceful people who are just maybe trying to get to work or feed their families. He’s all puffed up with his false importance, he imagines himself a hero of sorts, a champion of the people, until one day he finds himself on the final battlefield, there he is shooting his way through enemy territory when he steps on a mine the locals made. He should have looked down, but all he saw around him was some poor villagers who looked too stupid, too vulnerable, too uneducated, too poor to defend themselves. All his training was designed to keep him safe and alive and it fails miserably because his assumptions, his bias gets the better of him, and so it is with everyone. What we think we know for sure, always gets the better of us. False pride and false confidence leads us all astray every time but that doesn’t mean don’t do anything. It means be willing to look stupid if you have to. I’m doing that right now. Here I am just writing what comes up without concern as to how it sounds or comes across, I just know it wants to come out so I let it. That is the flow working the way it wants, if nothing flows out, what can flow in? It’s always a two way street, a circulation of sorts, centrifuged spirals whirling around, these are the emanations, everything is an emanation, a tether so to speak, almost like a string, but it’s their movement prompted by our emotional energy that creates the illusion of movement and keeps this energy active because the life force uses emotion to animate us. Movement creates more movement, but once you know where you’re going, you’ll be hindered, not stifled completely but led astray nonetheless and you wind up in places you had no intention of going to. Why? Because the learned narratives of this world don’t follow the heart, right now they follow the money structures, which creates a type of disturbance in a person, so if you only grasp for that, you wind up where that takes you. Basically movement reaches the false self and moves it but what it sees or experiences out of that is always filtered through story, your conditioning, whatever stories you believe in, and that’s what you see then. When that part dies, however, things can work much more efficiently, you’re not using up your energy on worry or resistance, and then actual movement becomes effortless, you don’t do it, it does you this time but you can’t resist what that is either. From now on you can’t really think or plan where it will take you, you just have to go with what it shows you. Basically you’ll know what to do and where to go because all other options close up, they’re just not there. There is nothing there, that’s what you really know and that is bound to change you. That doesn’t mean nothing shows up or experience dies, quite the contrary, things take on a different hue, your feeling isn’t less, it’s more, it’s intense, in a different way. I don’t really know how to say it except that life is alive, and the whole world has no idea how it is. In the end, that’s actually a very weird place to be.

So just to finish this off for all the strange people like me who might actually be reading this, I’ll leave you with the letter I wrote my son for his special day, which in retrospect isn’t so special because they should all be special, always remember this is all you got. You don’t know if anything else, anything more is coming, maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t, so treasure it if you can, that'd be my advice. Here's the letter:

Dear XXXXXXXXX,

Wow, you’re already twenty-five, is that even possible? Could time have really moved so fast? I wonder about time, even if there really is such a thing because it seems to me that what really marks time at all are the moments you get to have with the ones you love. You were the first person in my life that I did love, that I could love, that was you. Actually I think you taught me what love was because the first time I saw you was the first time I knew what it was. And since that day, it never left me again.

It’s weird to me how people treat children in this world, how they might hurt them or even accuse them of something. I hope I never did that with you. Of course, maybe I did, when I was triggered or something, when I was maybe remembering my own hurt. If I did, please forgive me, I never wanted to. All I ever want to show you is the love that you always are.

You see a person is a gift but a child that is your very own is much more than this, they are actually a miracle. You were the first miracle I ever witnessed. Before you, my life was all grey. And then there was you. The light came out, and the light inside of me came on, I think for the first time. I can never repay you for that, for what you gave me, the miracle of you.

I don’t want to say in this letter that you’re getting older or growing up, actually I want to forget about such things, at least for today. I don’t think life is for growing up anyway, it’s just for loving, yourself, your family, other people, your dog, and ultimately what you do with it. Yes, sometimes you have to do things you don’t love, like me when I’m working. I don’t love my job, but I’m able to do it because of love. If I did not have this love for you and your siblings, I would not be able to do it. I don’t think so. Love gives you strength. It gives you the strength to endure when you might not otherwise be able to. That’s one of the greatest things about love, it makes you stronger than you ever imagined you could be.

Love also makes you feel good. I’m happiest here when my children are happy or I’m able to give you something that makes you happy. This maybe seems wrong to some people, but only because we learn that there’s only one person to care about or to take care of, just ourselves but I can’t live that way, and I’d never want to. For me it’s better to care for those I love, then I can be the love that I am. I’m not sure there’s another way, if there is, I don’t want it. I’ve seen the other ways and I don’t think they work, too many people in this world are sad about the other ways if you ask me.

Outside of this house, maybe if you get a job, you’ll find that other people are not loving, not like I am or we are. I’m sorry if you ever have to see that but you probably will. In this world, most people are very lost. They lost the love they are and they can’t get it back. If I had only one wish, never let that be you, always remember where you came from. You can be understanding with these other types of people, but be careful that they don’t try to use you. The unloving peoples of this world are very selfish and sometimes clever. It’s better to have nothing than to be under anyone’s thumb so always weigh your options if you encounter them and don’t believe in what they say. A person like that is a very good liar because they have to be, to use another person, use up their time, or their energy for evil or selfish things takes a cunning that we don’t have. You can detect this cunning if you stay very alert when they are around, and then maybe devise your own cunning so as to escape the one you’re encountering. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I think you know what I mean already. You’ve probably already seen things you didn’t even tell me about but I know. I might not know the specifics but I know. I know how things seem and I know how they really are, and when you go out into this world, you’ll know it too, that they don’t always add up they way they want you to think they do so always trust yourself. Your body and mind will alert you so if it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t.

I know you are smart and you don’t need this advice. You already know too well what’s good and what isn’t. Never doubt yourself when it comes to that and you can’t go wrong. Even so a mother has to say what a mother has to say. This world has many tricks and promises many trinkets for your time and life but you only get one, so don’t give your time away too easily, always know what you’re doing there and whether it’s worth doing. If you don’t like it it might not be worth it. It’s hard to tell sometimes I know, so you just got to feel that out. You might be in a job for a few years before you realize it is wasting your time. If it is, always get out, follow your instincts and don’t worry about finding the next right step, once you make a move, the next right step finds you and it is never the other way around. That’s actually good to remember, this world will always try to prey on your fears and tell you to be careful instead. It will always say no you can’t do that, you can’t just do what you want, there are rules and you have to follow them but that’s really wrong. The only rules to this game of life are the ones that are yours, the ones you made up, so make sure to make good rules. Don’t make rules that will hold you down, you’re here to live, not be a doormat. It’s good to be nice, but sometimes you have to be an asshole. If you do have to be an asshole just be a smart one. Be the best asshole you can be if it comes to that.

Okay, so those are my life lessons for this year. Remember what you are, you’re always more than you think are so don’t let thinking stop you. Be bold, be wise, be strong, and just be yourself. You’re already the best thing you can ever be. You were the picture of perfection when you got here and that part doesn’t change no matter how many years go by, just be the love that you are. Pretty simple, since you’re already that.

I love you forever.

Happy Birthday,

Momma