The Human Experiment

Do most people think it’s human to want to change the world for the better or do I only imagine it? Many philosophers say that love and compassion is wired into us but if so, then how does history paint such a different picture? Why does history paint a picture of unending brutality and violence, human sacrifice in various forms even if that is just a soldier laying dead on the battlefield, and obviously oppression, suppression, or endless stifling of not only the human form but the thinking mind as well? None of that points to love or compassion as we would currently define it, in fact, it would probably be the exact mirror opposite of what most humans claim to want. Usually humanity claims to want one thing, maybe peace and ends up creating its opposite war. Religion tells its followers that they’re in a battle between good and evil. They’re born evil and have to fight or purify themselves to get to the good. Does it make sense? Thousands of years, and we’re still not there. Can we understand any of it because why create a living thinking entity only to have it suffer continuously on so many levels? What would do this because that would not be loving, would it, to make something you’d know would invariably encounter one hardship after another with nary a moments peace between them only to die in the final act, usually before completion of even Act One? Most of us die, not only never having sung at all, but without even knowing what the songs were. And yet they do exist, at least for me, I hear the songs all the time. If you paid attention, you’d know the music tries to instill in us a couple beautiful sentiments, love each other and love the Truth more than anything else. We don’t do it because we don’t learn it. I don’t think the average person will ever find out what he’s doing but if not, who am I to say he should? That’s always the question. What do you really know verses what you think you know? The two don’t always go together like you learned they did.

If you really think about it, when it comes to living either humans got off on the wrong foot right from the get go or something doesn’t make sense. I suppose that’s the real reason that the evolutionary tale we’ve all heard of gained so much traction. We can’t believe in our own story. It’s either we are born to become loving or compassionate, to become non violent, and to become allowing of all our differences without holding anyone else down, because we aren’t that way now or we’re just meant to be this way, ridiculously imperfect. Maybe humans were actually designed to be what we’d now call disturbed and insane. As distasteful as it is, I consider it as one of the possibilities.

One convenient explanation is that awareness itself is perfect, and therefore the only way to make dynamic individuals through which awareness is aware entertaining, it had to insert imperfection in order to make them move or strive for something different or better. It assumes that if we weren’t afraid and crazy, we wouldn’t do anything but sit there unmotivated, or lethargic but I don’t buy it. Once you actually figure out what is going on, what the trouble was, and have gotten rid of the trouble, life doesn’t become boring because there’s nothing left to fight or fight for, quite the contrary I’d say. The experience lends itself to enjoying creativity on a level that doesn’t otherwise seem to happen. One’s appreciation for art, music, and just living in general no matter how simple it is seems to soar to heights that you once considered basically unreal but there it is. The idea that you’re not living now and will do so when you get what you want in life is gone. You know it will be the same no matter if you do or don’t get all your hearts desires. We imagine the future will be better or will finally fulfill us, never once realizing that there isn’t one. No one has ever been there. In the strangest of ways, it’s actually incredible that almost no one realizes that you won’t ever really get a tomorrow. Experience is still just experience, and you’re not in it, you are it. I suppose our minds play a fantastic trick on us when we learn to look forward to anything, since in order to do this we must dismiss this moment or label it lacking. This isn’t life but that will be is the overreaching sentiment. Once you see this, you won’t be able to think of anything more ludicrous.

I think what really happens is the madness we learn takes us where we don’t want to go, and all progress is a progression of unlearning what we were so dutifully taught about life. We’re meant to go backwards then. We don’t think we’re there yet because what we learn is false and the false can never satisfy us because it’s not real. So we aren’t meant to be this way and our lives teach us that. Suffering is the only indication that we have that shows us this. There’s no infinite entity being amused by us in our current state, quite the contrary, if it was amused how does it lead those who truly question out of it? You’d think it would just take them around another bend of craziness, maybe even taking them further into the insanity and never out of it but that’s not what happens. People who hack the game of this shared reality, are far more content than anyone still in it and peacefully so but they aren’t unmotivated either. Almost all of them discover some latent talent within themselves that never had a chance to emerge before and now it does. Whatever this creative talent is, and there are many, the creativity seems to become a force unto itself providing the human who has it endless entertainment and pleasure just for engaging with it. There’s much more drive in a person with a creative streak than say someone who’s life is working on the conveyor belt of modern civilization. While most people work out of fear of what will happen if they don’t, the creative impulse comes out of the opposite, you do it even when you don’t have to and you don’t get paid for it.

The divide for anyone who’s taken this path is developing the capacity to dream creatively versus how they learned the world worked with all it’s mundane technicalities such as all pointless paperwork, shopping in general, paying bills, maintaining bank accounts, taxes, all licenses, registrations, or certifications, blah, blah, blah. You almost need to hire someone to do this stuff for you because that’s how unaligned with an actual life it is. It feels like wading through a flea invested swamp. You just want to get in do what you think you have to do there and get the fuck out. For me there is no enjoyment to be had in such things. If you told me I had a million dollars in the bank I’d be wondering what adventures I might use it for, maybe where could it take me? I wouldn’t be admiring it like I would a living flower that grew in the garden or that cup of coffee I’m about to drink at three in the morning. I live a strange life compared to “normal” customs, for instance, I don’t care for sleeping or eating schedules. Perhaps because the natural rhythm of a human is anything but what we’ve got in place now. And that’s how we go crazy.

I can’t say I know any of this stuff for sure, but I sure like to wonder. I’ve been diving down into these kinds of questions ever since I saw how weird shit was compared to how they might be. What I found out in the end was that my sense of bewilderment with life, what ultimately lead me down this path wasn’t off at all, just everything else was. The consensual agreements on how to live and what to do with life are not only confusing to someone just coming into the world but they keep most people hopelessly stuck in situations they have no business engaging with in the first place. So we all just learn stupid ways of being and that’s the real reason for the depression epidemic. We’ve got it backwards. We diagnose adults and children with mental disorders when they don’t have the capacity to go along with a completely mentally ill world system but they aren’t wrong to not conform to it or even to hate it. It just seems wrong when so many others are able to do it without complaining or wanting something else, maybe something that seems out of reach but worthy of reaching for. The real mystery for me isn’t how people get depressed with our worldly cultures wherever they live and whatever they are but how the majority don’t. Now that’s something, are they all so malleable they will just go along with anything without considering it’s actual costs, like maybe the spending of your life on stupid shit? It does appear this way. You see I don’t see myself as abnormal or special at all. I see myself now as I ought to be, how I might have been my whole life, just enjoying the ride, but yes, friends, call it what you will but if you don’t think life as we know it is a little strange, then I think you’re missing out, and you’re either dead to what you really are or there’s nobody home there and I think it’s both.

Yes, we all have to make sacrifices sometimes or do things we’d rather not do because they just need to be done. Many things just work the way they do. I make sacrifices too but I know now why I’m making them. I’m able to consider everything involved with my choices and from there I go with what I think is best for my own situation. I take my current capacities and consider what I think I can and can’t do, right now, but tomorrow who knows? I never say, “This is it”, or even, “This is something.” If I’ve learned nothing else it’s that life can change on a dime whether it’s your dime or not because I can never know how anything will go and I wouldn’t want to. I have to depend on something else for that and it’s part me and my own actions and part something else, something unnamable that I know is also here directing events and even people. To say we know all the forces at play in the world or in our lives is just not true nor possible. Thinking alone will never encompass all of it, barely a fraction if you ask me. Beyond this are emotions, actions, happenstance, and just which way the wind decided to blow on any given day. It’s not random but it’s uncontrollable. Maybe think about this: Do you have any idea what you’ll actually come across in the course of just this day? Sure if you stick to your own home it might be more predictable but then again there’s the internet and what the algorithm thinks might float your boat today. Leave your house for a trip to the store and it’s anything goes time. You might pass by any number of things you weren’t expecting if you are able to notice anything. If you don’t think the clues are all around you, you probably aren’t. Many people have been taken off guard and into unknown territory at the drop of a hat, never to emerge in the same way they went in ever again and one day that will be you. It happens to everyone.

Most people’s minds are absolutely one sided now and not in a good way. From what I can tell they consider everything they see but only as it pertains to them and some story their mind is writing for this which is but a fantasy of course. Maybe that’s how everyone is able to act like life is nothing more than a drive in the car along with all the errands they have to do and not some monumental once in a universe type of thing. I remember enough of my days in the sewer to know that most people are not having a very good time around here, it’s more of a life is a hassle kind of day and that’s about it. I sometimes wish I could convince people to look a lot deeper then they ever do but fortunately for me, outside of this writing I can’t say I’m interested in how somebody else’s life goes when I have my own to live. I’m not going to miss out because someone else didn’t do their homework I can tell you that. Maybe that’s how I always wonder what the so called guru’s are doing, like why would you spend your time teaching something as useless as meditation when you could be living your life but who knows maybe they like it. There’s obviously something about it that they believe in even if that’s the problem with belief, it makes things seem true when they aren’t. Personally, I like doing actual investigations when I want to know something. If I wanted to turn my mind off I would wonder why I had one. Maybe wonder is a lost art anymore. I think it is.

Maybe the life problems just become too huge now. The mind makes up a new one almost everyday for some people. That’s the pattern that has basically taken over almost everyone. They think they have to fix stuff or make sure things only go one way even if they can never do this. That’s how it takes all their time. They can never do it but they don’t figure this out. If they did they could stop fixing or stop trying to direct everything. Now they want to know who everyone is and everyone's life will be like some ledger. You’ll have a bunch of checks on one side and demerits on the other to see how you fit into this whole big mess that they call life. You won’t make any more designs then because all the choices will be planned out for you. It’s already this way but most people are too stupid to know it. They think if there are three choices then they have a choice even if they didn’t make up the three choices, something else did. I don’t think it will go as far as they think it can. They want everything safe now because they are always busy imagining nightmares. They think this will help but it won’t because they’ll still have nightmares, no matter what they think they are doing it doesn’t change anything. Life won’t be boxed in for too long, it doesn’t really work that way but they don’t know that. They can control a lot of people for some time but not always, for one it usually kills both sides of the equation. That’s the real reason some plague breaks out and takes everyone with it. The miserable circumstances force life to act and that’s what it does then because it has to move, and it dies when it can’t do this. Silly humans think they are some important part of this whole universal matrix but we might just be like any other extinct species. Things come and go around here all the time. There’s really no way around that.

Oh well, I wouldn’t worry about it. We aren’t here long enough to worry about anything if you ask me. They say in the end it’s like the blink of an eye. I think it is but it’s a miracle we even get that much, so I don’t know how it’s so easy to just waste your time worrying about whether you’re going to get a raise this year or not. When it comes to the end, that will be the last thing on your mind, you won’t even remember that you did that, or maybe you will and then you’ll be like, “Why the fuck was I ever worried about my stupid job and how much money they were going to pay me or whether they liked me or not?” Well, most people are hemmed in now, they got the pattern embedded that life is money and there’s not enough of it to go around. Now they tell the people to believe the prices are going up so they are. That’s nothing new, when have they ever remained the same? No one thinks about that. Maybe they just don’t want anything to change which is even crazier. I think I already said that stagnation leads to death, just ask the forest and how it’s not against the forest fire. Even when things end everything starts again. It starts over. This is not changing, just the appearances are. You are not changing either even if your body does.

Well, it will go how it does. I would try to enjoy it. You can’t stop anything. I don’t know why you always want to but that’s you. Honestly, that’s okay too. Nothing cares what you do. If you knew just that much maybe you could let go a little. I don’t think you have a choice in the matter. If you stay normal you don’t. If you change, you have a little, but that’s all. Either way it’s the same thing eventually. It’s that simple. I don’t know what else to tell you. It’s dumb to try to tell you anything. I already know this but things are sometimes dumb. You don’t need special permission to find that out. All you have to do is look, but I get it, no one wants to see that. I think you only see it if you have to, because maybe you don’t like dumb or something else decides but in that case, it’s not really dumb anymore. Never mind, you can’t know what I mean. Not really. Yeah, I don’t think so and that’s definitely how it can be. There is nothing wrong with that either. I actually like it better this way. I think it makes everything easier for both of us since this way you won’t ask, and I’ll never actually have to answer. That’s called a win win so maybe not everything is dumb. There are a few things left.