The Unfinished Picture

God damn this has been a weird fucking day, fucking awful really. So yeah, I got an extra day off this week because I took some PTO. Today is the day for our yearly dry fast, just me and the two youngest kids do it. My oldest has to work now so I can see it’s just not doable if you have to go into any taxing environment which is how I’m off work. Anyway, we start at sundown and go until the next sundown. I love the part where it finishes, just you’re outside looking for stars, any star will do, because by that time you’re pretty desperate for water, well not water, for me it’s coffee, yeah, just coffee, I don’t even eat right away, my hunger isn’t a prominent feature for me anyway but that coffee is freaking mind blowing good when you haven’t consumed shit for 25 or 26 hours. So tradition has it that you need to end the fast with bagels, and the bagel shop here closes everyday at 2 pm so I was up early when we went and got them. Then we went to Walmart, we had nothing to eat so had to get something to put in us before going without. My daughter actually shows up to my room every single year with a cup of electrolyte water and basically makes me drink it along with a plate of food I would never finish if she didn’t harp on me to because of all days mom, you will eat. Fine, but now my stomach hurts. This is going to be one of those fun ones I can already tell. Probably my lack of sleep irritated my stomach lining but oh well, after 16 to 18 hours without food or water it’s just painful anyway but I don’t think you can even feel your stomach anymore at that point.

So yeah, the day is actually going pretty well. The house got super cleaned for the whole event. The puzzle this year is only 200 pieces because last year we had 500 and couldn’t even get the border down much less the picture. The puzzles are just something to do because usually we don’t do any electronics but this year is different because about two hours before we are set to start my son gets a text from the son of one of my best friends. Basically she was the only other person I knew on a personal level in this place, until she moved across country to go live with her dad about a month ago. The last time we saw her she was in remission from cancer. She survived the chemo and the scans were clear, but not today, that’s not the news we got. I don’t want to get too personal about this on here but the text basically said, the doctor was going to give her a shot and she was going to pass away. He said he didn’t know if we knew because his mom was unable to use her phone right now. WTF, it literally blindsided not just me but the whole family. The two youngest started crying right away and then the boys almost got in a fist fight apparently because the oldest was taking it better than everyone else. Of course, I was like “Wait a minute, what do you mean the doctor’s going to give her a shot and then she’ll be gone? What the fuck is that? Whose fucking suggestion is this? Is she surrounded by doctor demons or what?” I mean you have to know I’m not looking at anything the way anyone else around here is. I see shit that makes my own skin crawl when I look at the medical system too closely. So yeah, since we needed to get texts and we were all very distraught over this news, going without technology just wasn’t doable which is how I’m able to be writing this right now. Probably the hardest part of the fast for me is just keeping my fingers off this keyboard for the duration.

So I don’t know if I said before that I’ve been studying the Bengston Method of healing but I have been and I’ve seen some pretty strange stuff I think because of it. The mind which is all this whole life really is, is pretty fascinating. I personally think the body is being projected but it’s being projected using information that our operating system which is doing the projecting thinks it knows for sure is true and real. These are strands of awareness that our mind uses to project our lived reality. The strands belong to us, they aren’t a collective thing not the way I saw them, like I mentioned before it is behind and to the left of the body itself. What I saw, was a network of strands, like they were all interconnected somehow but I couldn’t tell you how. I only saw it for a minute at best and that was almost ten years ago. I think though that if there are “assemblage points”, points on these strands of awareness that assemble your reality that these points don’t move on their own. Maybe they used to but they don’t anymore, not naturally because the way humanity developed the collective structure of society somehow blocks this. Something shocking might move them, like how there’s evidence if a mother sees her child being harmed, it’s been documented that mothers have actually been able at times to pick up whole cars off their children, the point moved and obviously the point it moved to had other abilities that the normal point didn’t at least temporarily. Of course, then it just moved right back once the crises was over, it wasn’t that now this mother could walk around picking up cars any time she felt like it. Other people, people who study Nagualism for instance train themselves to move awareness at will between different points. I’ve been studying this too and I feel I do move around a bit, but I always end up back at this one, the writing one I guess. Anyway you know I’m sitting here wondering about how one might go to erasing something someone thinks they know for sure, like my body is failing because it has cancer and there’s no way back, I’m dying and this is final. Apparently, with the Bengston Method this guy was able to cure mice of cancers they were injected with and he did it multiple times just a lot of repeatable results there. Weirdly no one was really interested in examining his experiments or pursuing his methods for healing. I always wonder about that. I think it has to do with the fucking ego’s doctors have on them, just whatever they’ve seen, that’s the way it is. Of course, if a person has seen terrible shit enough times, they usually can never escape what they think they know about it. Then there’s the whole problem with people thinking reality is unbending and real, which is their own mind in one point from start to finish, nothing can budge that shit but a full blown mystical experience that none of them are having. So yeah, here I sit, and I’m sure there my friend lays in a hospital bed believing everything the doctors told her and basically expecting to die maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week or two. I mean I’m going to try some shit on my end since at worst it won’t hurt anything, we’re already at worst case scenario anyway. I don’t know though, it’s one thing to try and help yourself with something and quite another to try and influence someone else’s ongoing reality. I think really you have to have some ego for this because you have to somehow think you know what’s best for them, or what consciousness wants, and who or what the fuck am I to know that? Even so, she knows the method and she has asked me to do what I can so I will. I will do it all night, with the energy directed at her, in my minds eye, seeing her playful and happy, that's my plan. I mean some things are common sense, like it’s pretty well established that it’s probably going to be better for everyone around if they don’t kill each other, but for this, it feels like it’s in God’s hands if there is one. I hope there is. I’ve heard it said the good die young and that may actually be what’s going on here, she is a good one, just a loving, giving, special sort of human being so this is going to suck grapes if it goes the way clearly everyone involved there already thinks it will. Shit, if all the good ones go out, what the fuck will we be left with here on earth?

Well, I’ll fucking tell you because I saw this shit myself and I was like, “WTF is this fresh new hell for the public to witness and consume?” So yeah, it was basically a senate meeting. I don’t what they really call those things when they bring some government dude in and interrogate him over something but that’s what it was. So the guy was this FBI director, I mean pretty big title there. I don’t know what the fuck they do, how their dreams go but pretty violent shit from what I can tell. I guess it takes all kinds, all kinds of dreams, all types are allowed. Maybe we’re not supposed to technically judge them but fuck it, I can judge so I’m going to and supposed to’s don’t really mean shit to me anymore anyway. I think I’m supposed to live a good life and I try to, beyond that, it’s not my business. The only reason I really bring this up isn’t to degrade the people involved, it’s to show the process that is apparently taking place on someone’s level of mind. So here we go. Yeah, for real. Just recently this video of a senate hearing popped. They were interrogating this guy on why they changed the protocols in place for becoming an agent. Apparently, before if you had any type of sordid past but specifically bestiality, this disqualified you from a job opportunity with them. So I guess one day some guy was just sitting around thinking something like, "You know this is wrong. There are people who have been the victim of heinous crimes and we're holding it against them. Some poor people have even been forced to commit bestiality, so let's make sure we stipulate we are now overlooking it as a character flaw. They can go ahead and apply too, no judgment from us." I'm just looking thinking WTF. And yeah the director guy is just sitting there saying something like, "That's right, that's what we changed" as if it wasn't fucking bizarre at all. My thought then was man if someone was holding a gun to my head and it's either that or death, fuck I'm out, give me the bullet. I guess I would know that my life and mind had gone off the rails to a point of no return, just time to throw in the towel and maybe start up another life whenever it became available. But seriously, the FBI is supposed to be tasked with some pretty serious shit, but they are not thinking about that, they are actually sitting around trying to make a way for seriously disturbed people to find a way into their employ. I mean you kind of got to picture Joe Whoever at his desk when a light bulb goes off, "Wow, people who have been forced to commit heinous acts are actually being barred from gaining employment with us. We need to change this. Let me go run this by someone else." So then someone else says, "You mean people who've been involved in bestility can't work for us? Shit, that's terrible. Let's get our ideas together and run it by the big boss." Then the big boss not taken aback at all maybe says, "Good on you. Let's get our lawyers on this to change our bylaws." I mean the clues are everywhere. Right out in the open for anyone with the eyes to see it. Here's the video, just mainstream news outlet https://youtu.be/zMEAWJybxTo?si=iflUGHLOiuLkh3z_

Just what are the clues I’m talking about? All that stuff is real isn’t it? It doesn’t actually smack of weird dream stuff right? Or does it? I mean I think there was a time when anyone who’d been sitting in his spot might have been inwardly horrified by what they were calling out, but not this guy. He doesn’t seem disturbed at all, more like just another day in the jungle. He then later goes on to boast about all the criminals they’ve caught and how because of him and his agencies good work, America is safer than it’s ever been. So yeah, I mean that’s nice, no one can afford to eat pretty soon but at least you’re safe, that should count for something although it does beg mentioning that I never felt unsafe here, not from regular people just roaming around, if there was any fear stirred in me it was about what government forces would do one day, not anyone else.

So seriously, what we’re really looking at is how are people’s reality made? What makes them see what they see or experience what they do? Obviously it depends heavily on belief, you believe you see things which to your mind are actually there, it’s a tangible thing. You might catch a criminal, and he’s got a body, he’s a human being or at least to all five senses he appears to be one. Maybe he is maybe he isn’t, maybe there’s nothing there, maybe the whole thing is really just an elaborate hallucination. Maybe that’s all your life ever is, how would you even know? Well, you never would. If your mind is so brainwashed then nothing can actually disrupt this process and that’s humanity, as it’s ever been. It’s legit a type of looney tunes show only much stranger. The collective believe there are criminals. The way we raise people turns a lot of people into them, maybe they feel slighted or they’re just brutes because as a child they were beaten too much and they learned might makes right. Maybe some people are just crazier and more unbalanced than others. I think they are because they’re trapped inside an identity and this actually drives them crazy to a certain degree. Maybe all of humanity is being preyed upon by something that eats up loosh or negative emotion or maybe it’s something of a combination, errant negative energy forces roam the earth in search of some type of disturbance. I really have no idea. I’m just a girl who wants to find a nice place to rest and live away from all the commotion.

I mean I do think that at a certain point you do need to start questioning the tactics we live under like why does a guy who’s in charge of such a large operation suddenly feel compassion for bestiality victims and maybe want to give them some employment opportunities? That’s a little strange, was it on his mind then? I don’t actually want to even probe that, to me its all crazy so it all kind of goes under one heading…delusion is Maya. Everyone falls victim to Maya, not just some, everyone. And by coming here you want to go the other way. You want to see it all for what it is just another swirling circus in consciousness. Fuck, seriously why would you even want to do that? The whole peace shit is kind of over rated, like why be born to sit in some quiet lonely room when the real fun is where the action is? Dreams are meant to be lived and you can’t tell me that guy isn’t having the time of his life out there catching criminals. Shit that’s probably gotta be some of the biggest action events we got down here, mortal combat with whatever illusion you are fighting with, I guess he wants to give all those poor people who’ve dreamt they’ve been preyed upon a chance to get fucking even. And here’s the real rub, you can’t say it’s wrong, because when it comes to dreams, if it hasn’t dawned on you by now it should have, anything fucking goes here. The saving grace is only that it fades with the dawn of new day, or it could if you were so inclined to wash your mind of it.

Now that I think of it, a daily cleansing is good. This fast is almost over, the process can feel like hell but really goes pretty quickly. Fuck, when the time comes my next cup of coffee won’t taste like the last 100 cups I drank, did I even appreciate any of them? No, not really, I mean it’s just coffee right, a stupid beverage, but when you’ve woken up without one or without anything, the appreciation starts to rise again. I wonder now when I had my very first cup of coffee. I have no memory of that, I just always drank coffee, everyday, all day long, it’s always just been my thing. Even in the middle of the night I’ve been guilty of having a cup of coffee that would sometimes push my sleep back a good four or five hours, but it wasn’t the coffee I disliked or it’s effects, it was only that I thought I had a schedule, that if I didn’t sleep now I’d have to get up and go at another time without it. And that would suck. This thought doesn’t help you sleep though, no usually it just serves to agitate you even more.

And the fast ended, the coffee was out of this fucking world. Tomorrow my cup of coffee will be a little less exciting until by as soon as next week or sooner, I don’t even notice drinking it anymore. Just the way it goes around here, if we lived in an ideal way, we’d be changing it up so often it would make our head spin and our head would thank us for it. Maybe in some small way those in the midst of wild action are actually getting it right, one day they’re flying over there, then they get a clue, that criminal we’re tracking is over here, hurry gather the forces, let’s go in and get him, weapons ready and drawn they swarm some place but oops, he was tipped off, back to the drawing board, and whole drama starts again. Their lives are endlessly entertaining just never a dull moment, drama, danger, fulfillment maybe they catch one, but wait, there’s always more, the world is constantly producing an enemy. It is their mind? Of course, but they don’t know that they’re really hunting themselves every time otherwise it’d ruin all the fun. To hunt yourself is really the task of awakening, who is this self that says it’s you? Is that me or is it not me? Is it just a program, a brainwashing, why am I thinking up this same shit again? God dammit can I get some movement in here? I’ve already lived this scene a million fucking times, same dinner, same morning, same job, same bills, same god damn bowel movement.

Is this the same fucking cup of coffee? Why does it taste different today? Why am I drinking coffee at midnight again? What time is it anyway? Why am I wondering what time it is? Who made up this time shit? Bills on time, on time to work, deadlines, personal development schedules, walking by one year old, two years no good, too slow, going to be bad, stick to the timeline, school at five, graduation at 18 but earlier is better, ahead of schedule, advanced, superior functioning, ability to conform to schedule enhanced, marriage by 25, that’s getting slower, it used to be 13, babies, the more the merrier, twelve fucking kids, that’s slowing, four is a lot, a handful, almost unusual, two is better, one will be easiest, just pour everything into the one, things will be on time that way, more resources, more time, more ability to stick to the schedule and less dishes, less food to prepare, more time that way all to end up out of time. No more time, time over, end of time? Weird projection, futile fantasies, what to spend time on? There’s a question. Writing? Okay, but what for? Nothing, what for isn’t a thing, stupid question, what for what? Life sucking career, no, that’s time fucking. Beach? Watching the sunset, sun going down on the horizon of ocean, day over, sliding into night, is that more time? Is this a different sunset or the same one over and over again? Repeating reality, looping, playing again and again, same strip of film. Mind not as jigsaw puzzle, but as a broken record, regurgitation, again and again, mistaken for new experience , just one experience, a short skip, back to the beginning, seems new, but isn’t. Mind doesn’t recognize this because of time, it thinks this is a different time stamp, the body aged, not young anymore, projected body, not moving, not being recreated but dubbed over again and again, too many layers look like aging? Aging as hallucination, body as hallucination too, stuck in one assemblage point, one story, one point of awareness, natural functioning stifled, are those new hash browns in the oven? Or same ones, over and over again? Fucking potatoes, all over the world, potato dumplings, potato salad, mashed potatoes, boiled potatoes, baked potatoes, potato soup? Gross is that good? Why are there so many potato foods? Is that all we know how to grow? Potato famine, potatoes to the rescue, maybe that’s your answer, potato as savior from starvation. Loving potatoes, who doesn’t eat them? I like them. Going to eat tater tots with ketchup, what about tomatoes? Who cares? Let’s move on.

Assemblage point stuck, repeating, nothing new, same story, but not different day, same fucking day. Wasn’t there a movie about this? Ground Hog’s Day, get it right but no, that’s wrong. It’s not about rightness. It’s feeling. Love moved the assemblage point, got him out of the loop when she played along, he felt love. Love is movement then, change, new story, but why? Why love? Universal language, same substance as consciousness, excitement, life reciprocated, love as energy, moving, flowing, yielding, giving, love is like water, accommodating, saturating, discovering every nook and space, filling up, overflowing and then touching something else, a new object, a new pathway, a new point of perception, new assemblage point new reality, but still moving, not staying still, constant motion along ever distant ever vital strands of awareness. Fear is the barrier, love is what’s released when the barrier is breached. Love is flow, but love? Love is the wrong word, love is a word corrupted. I hurt you because I love you. That was an idea. I scare you because I love you. A child walks into the street, smack, that was love, love as violence. Love as pain. Love as lessons. Love as learning. Love as domination, gross. Love is a word of the stuck assemblage point, a coping mechanism, but not actually love. Love is a substitute for Truth. Truth is movement, not fake love, as no fear, no doubt, no consequence, no end, no human projection, no body, no nothing else, only this, what you are, the one substance, that which moves it all, the force behind projections unfiltered, undiagnosed, undifferentiated, unworldly. Truth as substance without projection, without pictures, and yet, beauty, beauty is Truth, tenderness is Truth, Truth is heart unencumbered, unworried, unconcerned, unassociated with a single point, appearing in all points, but hidden, you need the eyes to see it, you need a pure heart to feel it, you need empty ears to hear it, you are it when you aren’t you.

I couldn’t do the puzzle this year. The kids got some of it. It was a wooden puzzle. A piece fell on the kitchen floor and the puppy chewed it up. So it can’t be finished, the missing piece is ruined, the unfinished picture. That’s life.