What Comes Up

I have done a lot of writing over the last ten years since it started. I sometimes miss how it was in the beginning, when I was just writing to discover without actually being conscious of how or why it was even happening. Then there came a time that I thought I should do something with the writing, like I should use it to help others to see something better than just the normal reality everyone seemed stuck in. That was maybe not a mistake, but a learning. I had to see clearly that no one really wants to wake up, that waking up isn’t the point anyway. There’s no metal at the end, no becoming anything, no God to suddenly favor you, everyone forgets this when they see some new guy sitting on some platform next to a vase of flowers who’s out here online declaring, “I woke up and so can you. Let’s go, let’s do this.” That we could all be wrong about everything has occurred to me. Even the famous sages could be dead wrong about what they said. Their personal experiences might have been just that, personal, and therefore unrepeatable in another person. The one true reality might never be relatable or shown to be anything we think it is. Perhaps it stays completely unknowable and it’s only ever that a person knows what they know, but they are the only one who could ever know anything the way they do. Perhaps no one and nothing can actually point to our ultimate Truth, because Truth remains a mystery, fully unknowable and undefined forever.

I do think you can become more aware, basically more aware of the things that are running your show and there are tricks that seem to have some benefits, not that they can’t backfire, anything can blow up in your face if you ask me. There are no certainties to speak of that I have found. What works this week, might kill you next month, shit, you never know. I’ve had some upsets around here myself lately but that’s not what this one is about. This one is just about writing in general which just means I’m doing it. I guess that means that I know how I’m here, that this is now just a part of my makeup. I don’t say anything I say will help you at all anymore. I seem to be completely out of ideas on that note. I think it was always safer to say that a person was going to have to take their own journey, no one was ever going to hand you anything, at least, that’s my experience. All realizations are usually hard won by knocks and bruises, often pain and the opening up of severe well hidden heartaches. Anyone who peddles an easy way is just like a car salesman, if they benefit they will sell you anything under any pretense and they don’t give a shit what it does after that. Most people it must be said have no awareness of how they do anything, and therefore their own deception is invisible even to them. They get what they came for and that’s the end of the road for them. Always as a rule maybe ask yourself no matter what you come in contact with, what and how does it benefit by being here because it’s not there for you. It’s always there for its own reasons. That’s basically a hallmark of anything ego if you ask me, something like take what you need now and ask questions later, except that for most people later never comes. On that note, you should always know what you are doing and why? Forget about what anyone else is doing anywhere, why are you here is your first question and really the only one that matters to you.

I watched a show tonight with my daughter. It was not my pick, just hers, but it was called “Dominion.” Don’t watch it if you don’t want to immediately become a vegan which basically just happened to me in the course of an hour tonight. My only caveat is that I don’t like to waste food and I still have some diary products in my refrigerator that I just bought like cheese cubes. I take them as a snack with me to work with some crackers since I don’t eat anything else there. That and some ice cream and just half and half. I have eggs but not too many so I probably will leave those too after watching this show. I honestly don’t really eat meat unless someone else has cooked it but I’m through making exceptions there. All animal flesh is out for me as of tonight. What the movie does is show how animals are treated throughout the harvesting process of their bodies and yeah, this was one of the grossest most horrifying flicks I think I’ve ever seen, mainly because I’m very sure it’s actually true. This is how they ship out thousands of pounds of meat to the world at large every single day. We people are totally dumb when it comes to how shit is presented to us, basically because we don’t want to know. Words like organic and grass fed only try to stave off this gnawing sense of knowing that whatever it is and how it got here, is not something we’d approve of willingly. Knowing would constitute a rejection and maybe a major upheaval in the way our minds produce fictional shit for us to make things seem digestible but there was nothing digestible about this one. On top of all the animal cruelty, and the weird killing machines what stood out to me was the kind of personality that you basically had to employ to pull off the whole operation. That and the number of willing participants. God, no wonder the Buddha said this world is suffering. I personally don’t think the average person has any idea, not the faintest clue, about how weird shit really is and really we are all willing participants on some level if we are eating these animals. If you think about it deeply as energy, something else makes perfect sense. Humans eat these energetically humiliated, internally and externally tortured energetic beings of awareness, and now look, isn’t that how we’ve become? Does this energy maybe become a part of you in some strange way? I think it’s possible because every single interaction leaves a trace on your configuration. The whole human race has become sicker with disease and more and more anxious just like these animals did in response to what was happening to them. Perhaps we are internalizing energy patterns without actually even knowing that’s what we’re doing? Food for thought there, something about this idea feels spot on. I don’t know for sure but when I see something like this, I’m out. That movie made it impossible for me to eat another morsel of meat, and the dairy has about a week. My body said no more, and that to me is more definitive than any story I might conjure up about anything.

If you want to really think for once I guess watch it because that’s not the half of it. You could probably take any operation and seen through the right lens deduce the amount of sheer utter insanity that has to go into it to make it operational. Then you have to wonder, where does it come from, us, the human being? And the answer would be yes, what other being is capable of such horrific endeavors? No where in nature does anything like what human beings are capable of on the disgusting scale arise. Neither does stupidity arise in nature like it does for us either. In nature, everything is pretty calm, very specifically designed for all things to thrive, sure there’s some predatory shit that goes on but it’s not excessive, it doesn’t go down based purely on pleasure or ignorance but on survival, but this is not survival, what humans do is something else all together.

It’s a lot to take this seeing and from my perspective almost impossible to raise children in without some exposure. I tried my best there but I’m sure I failed. Failure it turns out is just part of the journey. You can not save your own children. That’s a hard fact to face but at least if you have some awareness your kids will eventually figure it out too by themselves. When it comes to the kids, I always think of that phrase, “It takes a village” and I’m horrified by it. You don’t want the fucking village, that’s the worst idea ever. No self respecting parent needs other people to raise what they themselves created and gave birth to if you ask me. All the people working in the factories were raised by a village I’m sure which is how they lost themselves to it to begin with and there’s no coming back from that, I don’t think so. I don’t see how. I have family members that I can say that about too, absolutely no return, never coming back to anything resembling sanity. In some strange way, that’s just the way it is.

It’s so strange really how the caring, loving person, basically the child if they can stay that way has absolutely no chance of happiness in a place like this without first snapping out of it. They will just live their whole lives wondering how they feel so deeply and no one else seems to feel anything at all. It’s a strange phenomena. It baffled me for such a long time always being the odd one out, the one who thought, “Are these people really even talking to me? What are they saying? None of it makes any sense at all.” I guess I started out a stranger in a strange land. Now I’m even stranger I guess. That seems kind of funny now, but back then, it felt like debilitation. Basically, you walk around thinking the world is right and you’re the only one who’s not, until you find out where you really are and who and what you are really living amongst and coming in contact with. Of course, the landscape does change. I guess it has too, but there’s still that element of having to live in the world humans made up. This doesn’t go away, don’t be fooled by those who say it does. It’s really your own interpretation that changes, not anything else. Once you know what’s going on for sure you can be smarter about things like staying clear of certain elements you once assumed you should fit into. Shit, I don’t even fit into the spiritual marketplace. I guess I can’t bend myself that far and I was fooled by a lot of it. I actually think it caused me more confusion and pain, more shit to sort through. I would have had an easier time if I’d never come across any of it, but that’s what the internet did. It promotes all sorts and it’s just human nature to look and see if it pertains to you at all. I found out it didn’t. I don’t know what they’re talking about anymore other than more bullshit because there’s a new sucker born every minute. Of course, some of it sounds lovely, and that’s great. I love the love angle more than you know but you can’t really live from it. Love is just something that comes and goes. I can report that I can probably feel things that surpass any description of love I’ve ever read about, but I don’t stay that way all the time. No, sometimes I have to live and do things in other ways. That’s just sensible if you ask me.

There’s a theory that something like a predator mind actually infiltrated the human race. Of course, I don’t know if it’s true that humans have been contaminated by some devilish energy source that corrupted their intelligence and basic well being. I just think it’s plausible, because most people don’t seem truly human to me. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s like there’s a missing link that either doesn’t get activated or isn’t there, but hell for all I know we were designed this way. I know before all this I was as sad as the next one. I was basically a woman with zero clues but then I got some clues and something was activated. When it gets activated then down the rabbit hole you go and going and still going. This hole is a bottomless pit I’d say, but it’s all the shocking shit that gets you. Mainly because you can’t believe it. You think to yourself, I must be wrong, but then you see that you’re not, and that’s a whole new journey that you basically can’t fit into any mold. It’s all going to be unique. You can’t really ask advice when it’s a your size fits only you. Nope, not really, no one else could sit here and have this pour out of them. This is just mine, it’s what it wants to be, and finally, I’m just going to let it. I don’t have to know where it’s going anymore or whether it’s doing anything. Some things just are I suppose, because they want to be. So I guess I’m back doing this the way I always did. From now on, what comes up is how it will be.