What the Fuck Am I Thinking?

I sometimes ask myself if I could do anything, anything at all, what would it be but the answer is always the same, It would be this, I’d just keep writing. I probably enjoy writing the way I do more than anything else in my life. It’s a strange thing to do something that comes naturally, without effort, because we’re so used to having to try or effort ourselves for everything else. Maybe I think I would just do it more, I’d go on to write about everything and anything I could think of to write about because that’s the key with this writing, it’s not a thinking thing, not in the way I used to do thinking, That’s a hard thing to explain because I don’t even really know how I was doing thinking before. So maybe today I’m just going to write about thinking. That’s what is popping up here this morning. I always go with what my mind pops up for me to look at and I know it’s this because I can look at the words that just materialized on this page to know it’s this today.

Thinking, is it really something we do or is it something we learn to do? I think obviously it’s both, it’s not that we learn to think, thinking basically pops up for everyone which is how everyone can do it, but maybe it’s not that we do think that’s an issue but like everything else, how we do it that matters. That’s really not so different than life has popped up for us, we’re doing that, we didn’t think about doing life, it just happened but then we learned to do life in certain ways, usually ways that didn’t make us happy. Maybe we did things and later we were like, why the fuck did I do that, or why the fuck did I say that, that didn’t turn out the way I thought it would, what the fuck was I thinking, and usually we don’t even know, our thinking maybe becomes obscured to us, we learn to do it involuntarily, automatically, what we learn to think about becomes so ingrained it just pops up the same tired old things it always does. The real question is are we actually thinking or are our thought processes a product of years of living in a system that taught us how to doubt ourselves, both what we were and how we thought about this thing that we learnt we were?

I’ve read that most of our lifelong patterns embed themselves in us all before we turn eight years old. From birth to seven years old I’ve read that who we take ourselves to be becomes solidified in our minds. We somehow manufacture a personality out of all those early experiences and that’s how we stay. So if you ever wonder how someone is how they are, I guess that’s the place to look because normally, you never get out of it. Escaping the pattern is not something anyone does anymore. So I’m not sure where it embeds itself, but I think it’s in and also around the space of the body. I think the body is really just a circus of connections, signals, strands of awareness that turn into us, everything converges on a point of concentrated energetic consciousness. We are an energy field of information that according to Castaneda contains an infinite amount of reality producing assemblage points which assemble our reality for us but most of us are stuck on one point and that’s boring and painful. I would think that no matter what point you are on though, each would have to use or be tainted in some way by all the information that surrounds it, which is partly thinking, probably our ancestral history, all those people and patterns that came before you, and also a lot of other information that we aren’t consciously knowing about but accessing nonetheless. The road you live on is still there every morning. Did you consciously put it there? No, but something did because you’re the one who’s looking at it.

The formula for changing up your reality these days is to change your beliefs and subsequently how you feel about what you believe in but does it work? Most people my self included find it extremely difficult to believe in something, anything really that we haven’t actually experienced first hand. To believe in something other than that basically takes a leap of faith since you don’t know for sure, for yourself, so you can only believe something is true. Of course, what we think is true usually isn’t, and I’d actually go so far as to say nothing actually is, but that doesn’t change what’s true for you and whatever life you’re living. When things like your living situation, your financial situation, how you get up in the morning, what you do each day, has been around for what seems like years, you’ll be hard pressed to just pop up one morning out of the blue and start thinking or feeling something else is here. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I actually think it can but that’s going to be the anomaly not the norm so most people no matter how enlightened or spiritual they think they are, don’t actually imagine this which is precisely how they must proceed to water everything down otherwise no one has any clue what they are talking about and for sure, can anyone know it? Do I know what I’m talking about? Probably not, I just don’t care if I don’t, I guess I just talk in writing form for the hell of it. I mean I might as well. I seem to like doing it, so what’s the problem? Maybe try this on for yourself to see where it goes for you. I’m the first to admit don’t look to me for your answers. I’ve got my own, at least I think I do, and that’s as far as this goes.

This of course ties in directly to the idea that whatever you are experiencing is exactly what the universe wants for you right now, but is it really? Or is that just some type of cop out, a self soothing popularized lie because you can’t seem to produce the types of results of living you really want? I’ve often subscribed to this idea myself. The idea that there’s some higher intelligence at work in my life that produces my reality for me or somehow contains it for my highest benefit. It feels like there’s some truth to this, but how can we really know? Is the car accident or heart attack someone else just experienced for their highest good? Was it their event horizon, the catalyst from some benevolent pattern, the proverbial wake up call that’s forcing their hand? That’s too much of a stretch for me since I’m pretty sure a good portion of my ancestral line was murdered in World War Two and that’s the real reason my mother married an American Indian when she got to this continent, his line was just as annihilated, so their energies just aligned. All for their own good? Please, I can’t get with that. I think it’s much more practical to say that our minds which are connected to an infinite matrix, just follows the pathway that becomes available and some available pathways just suck. Saying there’s something directing this makes me think that’s where the idea of a benevolent or punishing God in the sky idea comes from, it’s easier to believe in this because it relieves us of responsibility. That way we don’t have to look at what humans have actually done and continue to do. We can then convince ourselves that we are rational reasoning beings when we are anything but that and never have been. To really look is to find out that humans are and always have been bat shit crazy, no two ways about it, what we call sanity is insanity. That’s what you’re really looking at. Since we feel so out of control of our own circumstances, we easily believe in and confine ourselves to the consensual reality and all that entails. We involuntarily hallucinate it as something that is impossible to avoid, then we make up our own constraints based on that which dictates our lives. The traps are pretty much endless, but can we rise above them? That’s what I’d want to know. It is what I want to know. I guess I really do, because all this showed up before noon, and I’m not even usually up yet. I like to sleep in around here but I guess, not today.

So how does thinking really work? Can we actually know? Can we map it all out like we do our landscape and see all the roads we are following? Is this the real purpose and movement of spiritual autolysis? Is something else activated within our thinking when we write about something? Jed always says that we can’t do real thinking in our heads. We have to get the thinking out of that invisible realm and put it where we can actually look at it with our own eyes. Is that what I’ve been doing all these years, just pulling my thoughts out of that invisible realm? Is that how we transform our own thinking? We get it out where we can look and see how stupid it is? I’m a hundred percent sure that even after all this writing, after all these years, I still harbor some stupid ideas. I’m not really sure if we can ever get rid of all of them, maybe we have to leave a few so we can still have something to play with otherwise where’s the fun of living? If you knew all the roads you were following already, where would the surprise, all the twists and turns your life might take even be? Wouldn’t that get boring, very fast? What would you even have left to do or explore? Shit, maybe that’s when your life really is over but I digress, as I’m often prone to do.

So back to my original question: if I could live my life any way I wanted what would it look like? Mainly, I think I would travel and never think of money or how to make it again. I would like to live as if I could just think shit up to do and then go and do it. I’d take off all the chains that having to make money to live comes with. No more job, no more financial obligations, yeah, if I could have it any way at all, I’d put someone else in charge of that whole life thing. Maybe I’d just go to them and say, “I want to do X” and then they’d put all the logistics together for me and I’d just follow them to my destination. Probably, that’s how rich people live, they don’t manage their own money, or make their own travel arrangements, they find the guy who knows how that works and let him finagle and manage it all. That actually seems pretty smart to me. Never work on something you can pay someone else to do. Of course, you have to be rich first to pay that person, and that’s not what my accounts are reflecting. Can’t I just dream I am rich then? Is it really just a matter of convincing my own mind that I am or is there something more to it? Is money just a manifestation ticket you pick up while traveling the roads in the matrix? If it is, where’s that road at? Does my own mind have to find it or does it create it? Where do thinking and belief come in to the picture? And back to this question: can you believe in something you have never once experienced? Is it a matter of having lived it before, maybe even in a previous life if there is such a thing, you need a memory no matter how distant it is?

Well, if I was traveling right now, let’s say I am, I would still write. I would still write about everything I was seeing or experiencing just like I do now. In some strange way, when I’m writing I’m really talking to myself even if there isn’t an actual personal self like we think, you still have to think there is or you’re not anything nor anybody. I think that would basically miss the point of being here at all. Too many actually think waking up means getting out of here, and maybe just lobotomizing yourself so there’s no more thinking. There’s that camp that wants to claim “All thinking is bad. It’s all suffering”, but I don’t think so. I like what I’m doing right now, for me this is one of the funnest and most interesting things there is to do around here. I like to see what I can pull out of my own mind. Shit, let’s think, that’s my motto, if I wanted to stop, I’d have to be dead. I wouldn’t have to wake up then, I could just fling myself off a tall building. Of course, there was a time when I couldn’t think the way I do it now. I couldn’t write anything then. Anything I might even try to write would be seen as embarrassing. My thinking then would say, “That looks and sounds dumb. Don’t show anyone that, you don’t want others to find out how dumb you really are.” I guess when I saw something of the Truth, how things really were, I stopped worrying about sounding dumb, and started worrying about sounding crazy instead. “Don’t show anyone that, they might lock you up”, it wasn’t they might laugh at you anymore, laughter was harmless, but true knowledge almost seemed dangerous in some way like it was a secret that needed hiding but I’ve since gotten over that as well.

My logic goes like this. I’m an old lady who is not important to the world. No one actually cares what I think except my own thinking. The thinking seems to care a little bit but that’s just another thought which I can see through. It’s weird though how we can even think that there’s danger to thinking? Why does anyone believe that? Is it because we think that thinking leads to action? Does thinking lead to actions? That seems like a good question right there. Yeah, if it does, then shouldn’t I think I’m already rich and then my actions can follow? What if anything do I even mean when I use the word “rich”? I must have some rich verses poor ideas still stuck in my head. Those people rich, can go and do anything, other people, myself included, part of the other class, work long hours and pay bills, just dream of doing shit but never actually do it. So there’s something to think about, are there rich people and poor people? Does this distinction actually exist or is it only there because so many believe in it? Do I dislike rich people? Do I think rich people are bad, they don’t share, maybe they steal, they use others to get their riches, is that a belief? Does all thinking rely on belief or is there some thinking that doesn’t? If somewhere in my thought matrix it thinks rich people are bad, why would I want to be one? Wouldn’t that make me bad? Oh, no, I’d be a good rich person, very generous, I’d take care of people when I could instead. That’s probably what my character wants to believe but how would I even know this? Am I so generous now? No, not really, maybe with my kids but the rest of the population, yeah, I usually leave them alone. I figure they got their own worlds and I keep to mine so I don’t go there if I have the option of opting out. I like the friends I got but for some reason I don’t go looking for more, but hell maybe one day, I never rule anything out if I can. Do I think people are bad? Is that a belief? I wonder, maybe it’s actually true, evil people exist, the news seems to think so, but is that a lie? Why would anyone want to promote the idea that people are evil? Is that even helpful? What about awake and asleep? That’s the awakening idea, is that even real? Why is everything we think always separating everything? Us and them, rich and poor, good and evil, lucid or delusional, aren’t all the stories getting a bit tiring by now? Do humans like fighting? Is that built in? I don’t like fighting. I actually think no one can fight with me since I have no opinions to uphold. That doesn’t mean I agree with everyone, but if I don’t, I guess I just don’t care. My attitude is fuck it’s your life so think what you want because that’s what I’m doing. I leave you to do the same.

I like the scene of The Shire in The Lord of the Rings, I always think we might have dreamt earth up like that, just a bunch of beer drinking, song singing, villagers all living pretty darn peacefully right along with nature. We might have lived in little hobbit holes next to fruit trees and a bunch of gardens. Maybe if we’d never imagined bugs, we could have pulled it off. Now we all believe bugs are bad so I guess that’s out, I don’t think we can tolerate them anymore. Nature is fine as long as it’s out there, I can walk in it but I don’t want to sleep on it. In this house, we scream if we see a spider and we don’t care how small it is, we all let out a good shriek first, then we kill it. I always think, we don’t need AI centers, we need to build a world without bugs, has no one ever thought of this? What the fuck are we doing here then making up more bugs? Do people want to eat bugs? Now that’s gross, is that a way to get rid of them, just eat them? I think there’s more bugs now. When I was a kid I don’t remember noticing them at all, and now they are everywhere. Am I just imagining this? Is it even true or am I just believing this?

I need to clear up this question once and for all.

There’s talk online that the rich people’s of the world want to get rid of most of the poor ones, yeah, they just want to keep enough around to do all the chores they don’t want to do but all the extra can go as in, let’s find a way to kill them. The whole world seems caught up in this one or is that just my algorithm? The thing is if this is a belief, who’s believing in it? The false sense of self right? So let’s say you’re someone who believes this, like you think about it a lot, rich people bad, stingy, but you good, hard working, honest, that’s you, not them. These rich people control the economy, all the goods and services come under their control, and that’s too much power. No really, people talk about this shit online constantly but the question I have is if what you believe is true is true for you, why would you believe in it? Because you think it’s true right? Your own mind imagines that you already have or you are experiencing this very idea. Maybe you have a history of working hard, most of us do, so our experience is shaping our belief, but now we’re looking at how to believe something without having first experienced it. Is it possible to do this so you might have a different or new experience of the world you think you live in? Does it even matter what the majority think is true? Can’t you become your very own thought and experience maker and decide for yourself what you want to be true on the level of matrix adventures or are some things actually built in or dependent on the consensual thought streams that happen to become popular? Or does it depend on what point of awareness you are accessing and what that point does?

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this but what you believe is true and your power of awareness thrown together in a power point of concentration is actually a very cool thing. It might be a reality maker, maybe, I’m not saying it is but I’m not saying it isn’t. I think it’s something to play with though because if we’re here for anything in particular it’s playing that we do. We play our roles, the ones we were given or we break out of them and play a different role. You’re not married to your role that’s for sure. Sometimes a change of roles can be thrust onto you, and sometimes it’s just you and your reality determining it all. What role might you play if you thought it was as simple as maybe looking through a playbook and picking one out? Maybe there are a bunch of different plays, this one is a drama, another is a comedy, there’s war scenes, and love scenes to choose from, actually it’s all in there. But you don’t think you can choose, do you? Most of us are searching for the God source as if that would make all our decisions, all our choices one pointed, you’ll do what is good, compassionate, giving, and Godly, but what is Godly again? Is it being silent, unobtrusive, passive, and invisible? Or is being Godly, being unconcerned, a blank slate, never changing, because as the universal consciousness you know that you’re only dreaming so what’s not to dream? What if we can never say what anything is, neither good nor bad, but it’s all just what becomes available within experience? Maybe there is no God, no entity as such, nothing directing anything, just the initial patterns let loose and left to determine which domino’s fall, how and when, and how hard? Yeah, but who set the initial pattern in motion then? I think that’s the question no will ever answer. Maybe if you know that the dominos stop moving. I don’t really know but no one has actually answered it, if they have, we only believe they have, but have they really? Why do we believe in anything then? Is it more fun that way? I think it must be.

The false self however is a curious thing. I know we acquire one in childhood and this total fabrication of mind is but a phantom. You can find that much out all by yourself if you really want to but you probably won’t. I think the only way that really comes up is if your life is such a dead end shit show you have nothing else to focus on. You basically give up on the whole charade because nothing ever works in it, never the way you want it to. Basically you fuck yourself there again and again until you hit a wall, you’re about to throw in the whole towel so to speak and then suddenly you get another thought, a very wild one that says, “Hey, wait a minute what the fuck is this whole life thing anyway?” And then you’re off, you start searching for answers in every idea and book you can get your hands on. Maybe sometimes the books find you first so that when you have your breakdown you’ve got something to go on. That goes on for a few years or however long it does until the day arrives and there you are staring some facet of reality right in the face or it stares into yours, and says, “Look what you missed. It was right here the whole time but your own mind, your own ideas refused to let you see it.” Then the whole thing, the whole life flips itself upside fucking down and you’re back at the very beginning where you really should have started and this time it really is a growing up, not a growing dumber like it was before. Suddenly, now you’re more like, “What is this place again?” Then you go out and ask around and become confused all over again, with one little caveat, you’ve learned to question, you’re suspicious of the answers you get and you know that if they are really true you should be able to verify it for yourself, but you can’t. It’s just more conjecture, maybe you want to believe in it, but that’s not enough anymore.

Thought, emotion, sensation, and just life, honestly thereafter you’re basically just gawking and thinking, “Fuck what did we get wrong here? That’s not going to work.” The way it’s talked about you’d think maybe you’d suddenly slipped into some all encompassing love vat, but that’s not my experience, yet there are moments, maybe lots of them of extreme love and understanding, but it doesn’t stay that way all the time. Just as I’m writing this I got an email from my mortgage company, it wants me to look at how much equity I can take out as cash, a whopping $75,000 is available at a 6% interest rate but wait isn’t my interest rate now just 3%? Are you going to use love to deal with that? Yes, I think, I could pay off all my bills and credit cards but then how much would I owe? Let me call my advisor to run the numbers for me, oh yeah, I suddenly remember there is no such entity in my life. The end of that email claims, “The possibilities are endless—let’s discuss today!”, um no, probably just fuck off, how’s that for the loving thing?

My parents taught me zero about finances, all I really learned from them is, “This is my money and go and get your own because I’m not happy about this sharing thing.” So in the end that’s what I did. I got a job and started working. Beyond paying the rent, the car payments, and such, I never really learned anything more about it. My mind it seemed wasn’t prone to calculating. Once I had kids, giving was fine though, I liked that a lot and often over shot what I had to give, but that’s what credit cards are for right? Of course, I also learned that people were stingy, not just rich people, no everyone, if I wanted to give, everyone else was just a taker. This theme would follow me for most of my life when I ventured outside of my own immediate family, which is just my kids. The casino strangely enough after the fact was the place that tried to teach me something different. I could see then that there really were generous people around, and when they were having fun, they wanted to include you in it. Of course, there was also the other type, the non givers, they seemed a sad lot, lots of tension there, you could almost feel it seeping out of their pores like a strange poison. The desperate ones were another kind, they’d pull on your heart strings, you’d think just let them win a little bit for once but they’re either not good gamblers or their own money beliefs prevent them from receiving. In some strange way, the casino with all its diversity of human beings was the perfect laboratory for observing human behaviors. How are winners and losers really determined I’d think. It had to be in the internal pattern, not luck, not chance, there was something more to it. I’m convinced of this, but knowing what that more is, still eludes me. I’m not sure I will ever be able to put my finger on it. I can’t really tell if it just seems like this or it really is like this and to be fair, isn’t that everything? Do we really know anything? Fuck, I doubt it, but there’s nothing wrong with exploring ideas, maybe then I find something that works for whatever I need it to work for.

My main desire if I had a “main” one is just to be able to live without reporting to work. Personally I seem to think if my time was all mine to do what I wanted with, when I wanted, I’d have solved all my issues but that being said, I don’t seem to be unhappy these days, not like I always was before. For example, last night I spent a good amount of time trying to recreate this tahini sauce that came in a lentil wrap I bought at trader joe’s. I also recreated the wrap, that part was actually easy, the sauce was a little more complicated. When it was done I was satisfied, but to be honest, I didn’t really think I could know if I got it right because I ate the wrap more than a few days ago so could I really remember if the sauce was the same? Yeah, I didn’t know. I got a copy cat recipe online and just followed that. I figured if I liked the sauce I made that was good enough. At any rate, when I was done I had it on the counter in a glass Tupperware and my daughter went in the kitchen and for some reason decided to put it up for me. So she was putting it in the fridge and then I heard a thud and a scream, and I think the words “fuck me” floated through the air. Yeah, my sauce was now mixed in with a pile of glass on the tile floor. Honestly, I think I smiled then because this is the kind of shit life can do. I don’t think it’s a test though, it’s just life, shit happens. There were glass shards almost everywhere. I cleaned up the sauce, where it landed and after we got the big pieces of glass she vacuumed the entire kitchen, since there’s no sense being careless and suddenly having a paw problem. My daughter was sorry of course even though I told her not to be, “Why be sorry? Did you do it to intentionally slight me? I know you didn’t.” She ended up making me another one today, and you know her’s might be better than what I made, it usually is. My point is this, there is no rhythm or reason to most of this life. You can’t figure it out with any definitiveness. That would actually be absurd. It’s like should I say that the tahini sauce shouldn’t have smashed into the floor? Because it was already smashed, so now what? Do I get mad or sad or upset? At what? The tahini? My daughter? For what purpose? “You should have been more careful?”, I might have said, but really? If she could have been more careful wouldn’t she have been more careful? And anyway, is careful any way to be? And why didn’t I put the sauce up myself when I was done making it? Why did I just leave it there? Who knows right? We don’t get to have these kinds of answers because we’ll never know. Maybe we should all go around smashing Tupperware’s of tahini sauce, just to see what happens. Mainly, if we just receive what did happen as easily when we think it went wrong as when we think it went right, how would it go? That’s where I think you’d actually be surprised but do I know that for sure? Again, not really. You can only grok this for yourself.

I always try to remember I can say things are like this because they seem an awful lot like something but I’ll never know for sure. I guess never take anything I say seriously. I’ve got the gift of writing here, but no one ever speaks the truth, that’s good to know. Perhaps tahini sauce should never spill. That could be right too. Sometimes I think I might just like to tell myself lies about my life because it makes it easier to digest. For instance, if I can convince myself that someday I’ll be totally free of the whole work and money thing, I can keep going, I can wait if I have to as long as I think there’s an end, and to be sure there will be an end. There’s an end to everything. The main feature of my suffering however wasn’t I was working, it was the idea that I had failed financially. I should have done better. I might have saved a lot of money if I had not been so generous, but I’ve since let myself off that hook. I can readily admit now I suck in this regard and so fucking what? I’m having a lot of company, more company than ever these days. I think one of the worst maladies is maybe thinking you are unique, like it’s just you, you sucked at something but no one else ever has. My mind used to play that trick on me all the time. “You are failing” it would tell me. “You should have done something else.” “Why didn’t you follow the fucking rules? If you had you could have been like everyone else. You could have had a life like they do. You could be on vacation right now.” Shit like that, but you know I do have a life, my life, and for what it’s worth, no one will ever get it right. That’s not even a thing if you ask me.

As for money, I think as a species we really got hung up thinking stuff was going to fill that hole inside. It sure looks like it could actually do that maybe if you had financial freedom and could do whatever you wanted or have whatever you wanted you’d be free, free at last, but I don’t think it works. We always think the grass is greener over there, we’re actually taught this. “Why aren’t you more like that one?” our parents probably think. We pick up on it. We see how they are admiring all the other human stories except their own. We’re not okay because that family looks better then ours right now so let’s try harder folks. Be number one, be successful, be rich, be free, but how free can you actually be inside a body that’s going to die one day? To be in a body is to be under the gun your whole life. People like to claim, don’t worry death is going to be great as long as you’re good and follow the rules as if the after life was going to make up for the absolutely stupid ways that only humans create to live by. Even thinking that you can think right, that you might clear up your thought process or twist your own feelings in a certain way that maybe produces some result if seen as a means to an end will always fail to fulfill us. I like to play with shit, but I always know that’s all I’m doing. If I take myself too seriously that’s suffering. I let myself fail now. If I fail with anything I just do, and you know what, it’s not so bad to fail, fuck almost everyone alive has done it or is still doing it, so nothing to fear there, you got lots of company. Of course, we’ll all fail in the end, that’s always where we’re really going, towards some final failure. I say get your practice in now and just fail if you want to. Yeah, I’d say my life was a complete and utter financial failure, ha, it almost sounds funny at this point. Fuck it, I failed. Maybe practice saying this for a while so there’s no more sting to the whole stigma because no matter what you fail at, you can turn that into a joke anytime you want to because seriously when a car you paid x amount for costs a third of that to fix one fucking part, it’s no longer really on you. Sure maybe you were duped, misled, misinformed but if you were just know that the system really requires you to be this way. When it comes to the human system in place now, you didn’t fail, you played the part it wanted you to play. I don’t even know how we call that failure, that makes no fucking sense now does it? And this doesn’t just go for car repairs, it goes for everything. If I was to start a revolution, I’d call myself and its members, the fucking failures, the ones who failed the system by refusing to believe in its lies, not because we’ll win the game that way, but because by not playing at all, you don’t even know there is a game. Then you make up your own game, and in your own game failure is actually winning. Maybe that’s really called losing the self who gave a shit about winning just you really have to lose the bitterness. Being bitter about failure means you still care about it, when there are other more interesting things to care about like whether or not you were able to laugh at yourself today or hug your child.

Yeah, you know what the whole awakening thing really highlights? Some idea that you might achieve perfection. Perfection is of course, just another tool in the toolbox of inauthentic human motivation to keep buying into the system that has already failed you. Let me just say it this way, anyone who thinks they have achieved some sort of perfection in life is really just fooling themselves because there will never be such a thing. Whatever went into making us, made us imperfect for a reason, probably we’re just more entertaining this way but I think it’s worth noting here again the reasons why failure can be so liberating. To whom or what might you need to be seen as successful? What are you trying to show off? Who pray tell is watching you? Are the eyes of the world actually on you or do you only imagine this monstrous calculating entity that is constantly surveying and tallying up your win loss tickets? Who or what is that? Isn’t it just the shadow of your parents disapprovals that keep morphing into some inner physic nightmare in your own mind to the point that now you’re seeing it in the world around you? You imagine your own disapproval rating? Maybe have a look, fall into the rabbit hole, and don’t reach for the rope this time.

This song has gotten me through a lot of days when I didn't know anything. Now I know that anything can actually be anything. Whatever comes up, that's what I go with.